deathpixie: (grr)
Every time I take a break from X-Project, this happens. You'd think I'd realise that by now. But yeah. Dead email, except for the ELOD and Sam. Good to know I'm only worth talking to when I can do something for you.
deathpixie: (afraid of love)
Like a lot of my friends, I'm a fan of a webcomic/blog called Hyperbole and a Half by a woman called Allie Brosh. She's been pretty quiet for a while now (about a year and a half, in fact) and today she posted the reason why in this post.

You ever have a moment when you read something and realise it's like reading the inside of your brain? Allie's experience with depression - and especially her suicidal feelings - were scarily close to mine. It hurts, reading it, but it also helps, since here is someone who is able to explain what I've never been able to.

I still feel guilty about being depressed. Because I know what a burden I was to my friends and I know how frustrating it was for them to watch me sink deeper and deeper into hopelessness. I know, because I've been in the reverse position myself, with my ex. You'd think it would have helped when it was my turn, but it really didn't, and now I'm reluctant to talk about the depression with most but a very few people. I feel like I've leeched all the understanding and compassion I deserve, when people were trying to fill the great black hole of nothing that was the depression at its worst:

And that's the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn't always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn't even something — it's nothing. And you can't combat nothing. You can't fill it up. You can't cover it. It's just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. That being the case, all the hopeful, proactive solutions start to sound completely insane in contrast to the scope of the problem.

I'm sorry I couldn't respond to help, that I couldn't talk out what was bothering me and feel better. I did talk stuff out - over and over - but all it did was make me feel worse because isn't talking meant to make you feel better, and all it did for me was highlight just how depressed and hopeless I was. And eventually, I got to the place Allie describes frighteningly well:

...I somehow managed to convince myself that everything was still under my control right up until I noticed myself wishing that nothing loved me so I wouldn't feel obligated to keep existing... there I was, casually wishing that I could stop existing in the same way you'd want to leave an empty room or mute an unbearably repetitive noise.

I never wanted to kill myself. I just wanted to be dead. I wanted to stop. Everything. I pushed everyone away so I could tell myself it would be all right to kill myself, because no-one cared any way. And ironically, it was the fact my parents were visiting that made me not do it. I didn't want to spoil their first trip overseas together.

Yeah. Depressed brains totally make no sense.

It took [Bad username or site: @] basically threatening to hate me forever if I did something stupid that got me to the doctor and the meds which, frankly, saved my life. They lifted the blanket long enough for some light to creep back in, and gave me perspective again.

These days, I'm mostly doing better. I have bad times, usually when I'm having PMS and it feels like everything is likely to make me feel like crap and that I can't do anything right. I have moments where I just wish I could stay in bed with the blankets pulled over my head and disappear forever - at the same time all I want is for someone to notice I'm not doing so well and take care of me and let me cuddle with them on the sofa. I have little to no interest in sex for about three years now. I over-compensate sometimes, trying to be the life of the group, to somehow make up for the fact I was such an enormous downer. That usually results in being an arse. *sighs* I have trouble getting enthusiastic for the things that used to excite me, much like Allie's metaphor of a child outgrowing their toys: school is the first thing in three years I've been excited about for an extended time, and I'm clinging to that while I have it. Things are getting better, step by step.

Normally I'd hide this behind a filter, mostly so I don't bore people. Not this time, tho'. Perhaps I'm just looking for attention. Who knows.
deathpixie: (never give in)
I want to be able to do this, this year. No more being worried about what might happen or if I might get hurt. Time to be brave and to find joy.

Originally posted by [ profile] officialgaiman at My New Year's Wish...
posted by Neil

It's a New Year and with it comes a fresh opportunity to shape our world. 

So this is my wish, a wish for me as much as it is a wish for you: in the world to come, let us be brave – let us walk into the dark without fear, and step into the unknown with smiles on our faces, even if we're faking them. 

And whatever happens to us, whatever we make, whatever we learn, let us take joy in it. We can find joy in the world if it's joy we're looking for, we can take joy in the act of creation. 

So that is my wish for you, and for me. Bravery and joy.


Fifteen minutes ago I was terrified, having just written this, and about to walk up onto the stage to perform the Fireball XL5 theme song with Amanda and the Grand Theft Orchestra. And I thought "You just wrote a New Year's wish. Listen to yourself. Put it into practice." I went out bravely. I sang in front of a thousand or so people with joy. 

And you know, it was wonderful.

(for a collection of the previous New Year's Wishes:

Share on Twitter   Share on Facebook   Share on Tumblr   Pin it on Pinterest   Share on Google+
deathpixie: (the road goes ever on)
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No, I wouldn't.

It might seem a bit weird, coming from me, considering I've moved across the globe to live in another country. But I didn't do it for someone I loved. I did it for me. I did it because I needed to make a change, because I wanted to try living in the place that had become a second home to me. I did it because I could.

Love should not be the only reason you uproot your life and move. Because love is, unfortunately, not always rock solid. Love doesn't always last. And unless you have the resources to take care of yourself in a strange place, you could wind up in a really bad way.

It's not selfish to take care of yourself, even in love. Make sure you've got something as a back up, in case something goes wrong, and be sure you're making the decision for you, not because someone else wants you to or you feel it's what you should do. If there's any doubt, talk it out with your loved one. Don't wait until you've done something irrevocable before discovering it's not what you want after all.
deathpixie: (climbing)
Day 19 – Something you regret

After the Great Wollongong disaster, which was when my ex got a job interstate, we moved, and he then lost said job after three months, we lived with his parents for a time while we worked on reestablishing ourselves and finding a place to live. During that time, he broached the idea of breaking up with me, trying to explain a lot of the things he later did break up with me for, five years later.

I talked him out of it.

I regret that now and I think I probably always will. Those last five years of our relationship were the worst and if I'd realised sooner that it wasn't working, I wouldn't have gone through the crap I did. I would've been single five years earlier, in a much better financial position and in Melbourne, rather than Wodonga. A lot of things would have been different.

I thought we could work it out, that if we loved each other, things would be okay, that I could do better. Instead, I wasted five years of my life with someone who was already looking for an exit. It's hard not to kick myself for that.

Day 20 – This month

Hooray for spring. I don't know whether it's the increase in my meds or the changing weather or a bit of both, but I'm definitely feeling better these days. Well, aside from the sinus issues from hell - I feel like I have a crew of tiny miners using jackhammers in my face. But things are definitely better.

and the rest )


Apr. 4th, 2011 05:14 pm
deathpixie: (dance my puppets!)
So I took the Pierly-Redford Disassociative Affect Diagnostic test. Weird, weird test, that one. Which makes it harder to predict. The answers were kind of annoyingly correct.

Blustering through the world with the finesse of a thunderstorm, you are a natural leader, a creator of consensus. You will often plan out the future in deliberate and at times frustrating detail. This ability to create and to plan is sometimes expressed as a facility for the telling of tall tales.Your friends often find themselves assigned tasks or roles within the group. This can be very useful when action is called for and equally annoying when the idea at hand is rest and relaxation. When challenged, however, you can become cold and argumentative. Your understanding of the world is deliberate and well thought out. Your emotion comes in two varieties, either restrained and sincere, or else melodramatic and loud and usually inauthentic. Affection for you is best expressed through action, by doing things for the people you care about. This need to always be proactive can lead you to feel that there is no end to the trouble in your life.

The moral of this story? Stop organising so much. *wry* Like I haven't heard that one before.

Also, my sinuses feel like they're going to cave in or explode. I really wish the weather would settle down so I can resume normal life.
deathpixie: (holding on)
Day 02 - Your first love

At one point, while I was seeing the World's Worst Psychotherapist, she went on vacation for a couple of weeks and I saw her back-up. On our first visit, we talked for a bit, and then he asked me, completely out of the blue: "How old were you when you first fell in love?"*

I was thirteen and in my second year of high school, the year things started going bad. His name was Michael. He had curly dark brown hair and clear blue eyes and a smattering of freckles over tanned skin. He was stocky - broad shouldered and not overly tall - and the other boys called him "Podge". And he, out of everyone in my class, was the only one who didn't make my life hell. He was sweet and kind and funny and I adored him. For his part, he wasn't really aware I was there, except as a friend. Then again, he wasn't really interested in any of the girls.

Are we sensing a trend here?

I carried that torch for Michael all through high school. In Year 11, I summoned up the courage to ask him to be my partner for our debutante ball (it's a country thing, don't ask), and beyond all my expectations, he said yes. I remember one night at practice, we both had the interview for the Rotary Club's exchange program afterwards, and both of us were shaking and laughing about it. He got the exchange, but the Rotary Club offered me a consolation prize of a year in Japan with another group, coincidentally the same country Michael wound up going to. I don't know what made me happier, knowing I was spending a year in a foreign country or knowing that Michael would still be in my year level when I got back. We wrote to each other during that year, sharing experiences and issues and we became actual friends, something that continued through to our last year of school.

I still wonder what happened to him. He applied for the Air Force, but failed the asthma test on the second-last level (they hit you with histamines of increasing levels to see if you'll have an attack. He did with one left to go) and it devestated him - the Air Force had been his dream all through high school. The last I heard about him was that he had trained as an ambulance driver. I google him sometimes, but his name's almost as common as mine, so it hasn't been terribly productive. But I'll always remember his smile and the way he was with people, comfortable and soothing, and I wish him all the best, wherever he is.

*And yes, my concept of love and relationships is very much coloured by the fact I had an unrequited crush on the nicest boy in school for six years. I am literally a hopeless romantic.

and the rest )
deathpixie: (climbing)
Thirty Days, Thirty Themes. Lets see how this goes. :) Grabbed from a number of folks on my friendslist.

Day 01 - Introduce Yourself

My online handle is Rossi, a name I've been using since 1996 and a summer spent in Iowa at a girl scout summer camp. I've been answering to it for so long, it's second nature - some people actually think it's my real name.

My real name is Joanne - I prefer Jo, pretty much all of the time. I'm Australian, but I've been living in Canada since October 2005. I'm... well, older than most of my friends and older than I look, although these days I'm starting to feel it. I was born at an Army base in Victoria, Australia, back in 1970, and I have one brother who is 18 months younger than me. He's married to an ex-pat Hungarian girl called Eva and they have a daughter, Zoe and another baby due in August. Zoe's demanding a little sister, by the way. My parents are still married, having been together now for 41 years - more about them in a couple of days.

I've been working in the public service sector for around 15 years now - ten in Australia in the courts as a court registrar, and five here in Canada as a legal assistant. It's good work, for the most part, although lately I find myself questioning why I do it - I've spent a large chunk of my life taking care of other people, in one way or another, and I'm wondering if it's not time I looked at something a little more... selfish, I suppose. Then again, moving across the globe to restart your life is pretty selfish, when you get down to it.

So, that's where I'm from, what I do. Who am I? Well, it depends on the day, really. On good days I'm creative, funny, intelligent, caring. On bad days I'm depressed, procrastinating, afraid, forgetful and self-absorbed. I have periods of more good days than bad, and periods of more bad days than good. I'm working on improving the ratio and dealing with the detritus you collect in forty years of avoiding your problems. It's hard, and sometimes I just wish I could flop in a heap and have someone fix everything for me, but I am making progress. There are days I'm quite content to be me.

and the rest )


Jan. 26th, 2011 08:48 pm
deathpixie: (plateaus of sanity)
Tomorrow is another day and a clean slate. Bed for me now since I have to be at work early for Jane and therapy tonight kind of wiped me out.
deathpixie: (lonely and alone and dead)
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Being alone when I don't want to be.

Yeah, I know, it's not as exciting as spiders or snakes or sharks or whatever, but this is my deepest darkest fear. That one day I'll turn around and find I've lost all my friends and that I'm alone. That I'll live out the rest of my life by myself and die unmourned and unremarked.

Like most fears, it's irrational. I mean, I have friends, good friends, ones who aren't about to abandon me. But the fear's still there and when I have my bad days, it's what comes up to the top of my mind. That I'm unloveable, unlikable and people only put up with me because I'm useful and do stuff for them.

I don't deal well with rejection, real or perceived. I never have, because of my fear. So every rejection is an exercise in trying to overcome my fear, because rejection is a part of our lives. Not everyone is going to like us for all time, after all, and even the best of friends have days where they're short with each other. Even the most academic of rejections, the ones that are in no way personal, hurt badly, because I can't but help take them personally. Which really isn't helpful because it opens me up to the whole "you're overreacting and taking things personally when you shouldn't" criticism, and I feel even worse.

Any way, I'm trying to deal with it. That's what therapy is about these days. Dealing with the fear so I don't lead with it, so to speak. It's very slow going, but hopefully one day I'll make it.
deathpixie: (concrete sky)
Day five ahoy. Because what I need is a meme where I get to beat myself up for various mistakes.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot to you (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

Six things you wish you’d never done. )
deathpixie: (grr)

So, I saw the above ad in the bus stop on the corner of where I work, as I was heading out for lunch. I can't even begin to describe the levels of FAIL encapsulated here:

1) The slogan: "It sucks to be alone". Why, yes, thank you for alienating and demoralising those of us without a significant other in our lives. We hadn't noticed that being alone when you don't want to be is a crappy feeling to have. Wow, I must go out and ignore my emotional health for the sake of being IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW!

2) Love=material goods. Buy her love with a tacky piece of jewellery! Better yet, blackmail her into staying with you by buying her a ring. She has to stay with you now you've gotten her the bling! And girls, don't forget to demand the most expensive one so he proves his love for you!

3) The message that any relationship, even a crappy one, is better than being alone. Possibly I'm projecting here, but there's a good reason why I've been single for so long - I didn't trust myself not to get into another bad relationship at first and now I'm not wanting to fall headlong into another until I'm sure I can love me first - relationships aren't crutches and it's not fair to the other person to use them that way. So I don't appreciate being told that doing the right thing for me is something sucky. It's hard enough dealing with society's general assumption that if you're not in a relationship at my age a) there's something wrong with you and b) I'm 'running out of time' and will end up dying alone and unmourned, without bus ads rubbing it in my face.

To sum up? Bite me, Spence Diamonds. I'll be looking for some kind of contact email for you and telling you so directly.
deathpixie: (meh)
Nightmares last night/this morning. Awful dreams about criminals and torturing people for information and executions and shootouts and all the rest. And with my whole body-swapping tendency in dreams, I got to experience it from all directions. Being the torturer... *shudders* Ugh.

Needless to say I woke up tired, but had to go to French this morning at 9:00, so no snooze button for me. As it was, I only just made it five minutes late and sans coffee/breakfast. An hour and a half of brain work on no sustenance is hard.

I had a day off yesterday, being a government type who gets Remembrance Day off. Today is dead quiet, with most of the staff taking a long weekend it seems, and it's chilly in the office due to the heating being off yesterday - it takes hours to heat the place up again so there is definite need for my emergency sweater that I keep in my filing drawer. I also got a hair cut yesterday, with my bangs coming back after months of hair in my face or brushed to the side so my forehead was the most prominent feature (I have a big forehead and when I don't have bangs, I tend to look like an egg with a toupee).

Kind of melancholy today. I was hoping it was just the lack of breakfast, but I've eaten and had my coffee and I'm still a bit meh. It's probably the bad sleep - one of the things I've learned in the past couple of years is that the depression is really susceptible to things like lack of sleep and low blood sugar and lack of sunlight. I can (and do) still get depressed for no apparent reason, but most of the time these days it's either to do with my physical state, or some kind of emotional turmoil. Both of which I'm getting much better at recognising and dealing with, or at least not giving more weight than they deserve (i.e., obsessing about my woes until they become all-consuming).

I guess I'm feeling a bit lonely. Money's been tight again, so I've been avoiding going out, which means I don't see anyone. The roomie's been working insane hours lately - I've seen him once since Wednesday - so I've been having a lot of solo evenings (although [Bad username or site: @] came down last night and watched Avatar: The Last Airbender with me and we talked about her job stuffs, which was nice). I'm also stuck on my [Bad username or site: @] for yesterday, so I'm behind again, which is annoying.

I bit the bullet and refriended some folks I defriended a while ago after the whole XP mess, which is nerve wracking as I still don't know what to say or what they might say to me. And I handed in my resignation from the XP modship, to take effect at the end of the year. So I guess I'm a bit worried about losing my... relevancy? Back to the old issue of worrying about people ignoring me if they don't actually need me for anything, I guess.

None of which is huge OMG drama, nor is it plunging me into the depths of despair (I don't get that as much any more, thank everything that might be responsible!), but it is contributing to a general feeling of "meh". Sandra the therapist has taught me how to focus on things and work my way through the emotional blah, so I'll try that - it's really quiet here today - and I'm sure I'll be fine by the time I get home and find a [Bad username or site: @] on the couch. :)
deathpixie: (climbing)
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My first LJ post was March 11, 2001. I'd only started the journal because everyone else I knew, it seemed, had one, and it was slowly replacing email as a means of contact. Reading back on it... I was so naive. I believed that you could end a twelve-year-long relationship amicably, that we could continue living together without hating each other. That I would have the brain power to actually get myself together and try and write something publishable. *wry* Part of me looks back at that first entry and is amazed at how young I sound - only eight years ago. So much has gone on since then.
deathpixie: (pissing in the fountain of truth)
“Criticism is always useful. When it’s constructive it tells me about my work. When it’s destructive it tells me about the critic.”

Found here on [Bad username or site: @]
deathpixie: (road)
Had my counselling session today, after the work Christmas party. I confronted her about the needing structure - she promptly whipped out the checklist of cognitive distortions, the ten ways to untwist your thinking, and the thought record sheet, plus said she thought Cognitive Behaviour Therapy would be good for me. *wry* I have another session in two weeks, a handy Google spreadsheet for my thought record, and my first entry. I'm drained, exhausted and ready to be unconscious for about twelve hours, but... I feel more hopeful than I have for a long while. This is progress.

I'm not expecting this to be the cure-all - I'm going to work on my eating habits, increase the fish in my diet and eat more fresh veggies and less pasta, plus probably lay off drinking for a week or two to detox myself before Christmas/New Year, as well as the Vitamin D supplements for the seasonal blues - but it's a start and I'll see how it goes. If the counsellor thinks it's necessary after the next few visits, I'll make that appointment with the doctor about the possibility of medication and do what I'm told, but she agrees with me that it's best to try this first.

Apologies to everyone who's been weathering the worst of my negative thinking lately. I know I haven't been fair on people, and I'm working on it. [Bad username or site: @], thanks for the phone call - I used what set me off as my first thought record, and I think it's helped.

Now I'm going to finish my mint tea and go to bed. [Bad username or site: @], I'll call you tomorrow sometime, yeah?


Mar. 30th, 2007 06:24 pm
deathpixie: (blue black sky)
Just got back from counselling and I'm wiped. Chasing my tail in circles does that to me. I'm also about to have people over for movie night, so I'm not going to be online tonight and a good chunk of tomorrow, which will be spent collecting free stuff at Lifefest.

Try not to need me in the meantime.
deathpixie: (where is my soul?)
The Good:

1) Had myself that largely non-social week, including the weekend. Got a lot done in terms of XP, got my guitar fixed, just chilled and tried to unwind a bit.

2) Little to no drinking for the last week and a half.

3) Tapas on Sunday. So good.

4) Resolved some outstanding issues with the Date Boy. I have a new friend.

5) Survived Hurricane Jane this morning and managed to get the last of the expenses stuff for both my lawyers done.

6) About to go get dinner with the Roomie. Been having a lot of quality time lately.

The Bad:

1) Sinus pain. We've gone from temperatures in the minus variety to close to 20C. With the accompanying barometric changes that mean your sinuses try to implode. New experience I could do without. :P

2) Crashing immune system. Two coldsores last week, of the nasty weeping variety, general bone-weariness and aching neck and shoulders. I'm feeling generally blah.

3) Resolved some outstanding issues with the Date Boy. There will be no more dates.

4) Didn't get half the stuff done I wanted to - still haven't gotten that hair cut, still haven't cleaned the apartment, still haven't been practicing guitar.

5) Still feeling stressed. It's getting to the point I'm grinding my teeth while I'm awake, and I've actually pulled something in my jaw by the feel of it. :( Not sure how to fix this.

The Undecided.

1) Counselling session this Friday.

2) I've been sliding into "must make myself useful" mode a bit because I'm feeling ignored. Good that I've noticed it, not so good that I'm doing it. When I don't feel wanted, I aim for needed instead, which means burnout. :(

Going AWOL

Mar. 2nd, 2007 07:05 pm
deathpixie: (life is pain)
Given I've had a gruelling therapy session where I used half a box of the counsellor's tissues, I am taking her advice/instruction and going easy on myself. In this case it means treating myself to way too much sushi, having a long hot shower and now I'm about to head out the door to join Mindy and her friend Greg for a couple of drinks at the usual place.

You're just going to have to manage without me for the evening. ;)

And XP people? For the love of everything, _communicate_ with each other. I do not want to see another email of complaint because someone didn't check something with the plot runner/mods/general populace who might be effected before posting. And this isn't Rossi-the-Mod speaking, this is Rossi the very tired and wrung out person who wants to take the night off and not have five more things tacked onto the giant To Do List Of Doom by morning.

Okay? Okay. *flops*
deathpixie: (toronto girl)
Toronto is in the grip of a pretty major ice storm right now - driving snow, high winds, ice rattling against the windows... yep, winter is back with a vengeance. I did, however, make it home okay, despite some concerns about the trains being cancelled.

Today has been... a very long day. In all terms of the word. I'll be glad when the week's over. Counselling tomorrow. The counsellor may be cranky at me, given the backsliding I've been doing this week.

February 2016

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