Musings on a hot Sunday evening...
Ugh, it's still like an oven out there. I'm sitting here waiting for the sun to go down and for it to cool down enough for me to make dinner - although I'm tempted to have silverbeet salad, since I have no letuce, but I do have carrot, celery and some feral mushrooms in the fridge. Hmm, not a bad thought...
Today's been a bit of a waste, really, considering it's my last Sunday before I go back to full time work. But seeing how it reached 36 Celcius (according to the news just now), I don't feel that guilty - days like this it's best to lie around in the path of the fan and not expend energy if you can help it. 27 tomorrow, which makes for a nce change, before it heats up again. :P
Been thinking deep and interesting thoughts, which sucks on a hot day because your brain feels like it's overheating.
Thoughts like why it is people need for things to be black and white, for there to be good guys and bad guys. Having definitives, it makes it easier to make decisions, to hold opinions, because there's an obvious right and an obvious wrong. Problem is, that isn't truly the case. Not always. There are always other factors to be considered, motives we don't immediately see, reasons we have to dig further to understand. But when you start exploring these other factors, you find it becomes harder and harder to decide what to do, what to believe. Nothing is simple. And that's why we hold onto our generalisations and our half-truths, because it makes life easier. Like it's easier to portray BRM as the arsehole ex who made my life miserable, because then I don't have to think about the things I did wrong - and there are things I did wrong, I'm not just beating myself over the head again. *grins* It makes it simpler, if he's the bad guy - I think I said at one stage it would be so much easier if I could hate him. Only I can't, so things are... complicated.
Not for too much longer. He's back, week after next, and then moving out sometime by February, AFAIK. He's got a possible place to live, which is good - I think he's going to Murtoa sometime before moving out to sort stuff out. He's scared stiff, but I think it's something he needs to do. And to be honest, once he's gone, he's not my problem any more.
***
More thoughts. Thoughts about who I am, what it is to be me. I'm still finding that out - like I said to Trisha today, I want time living alone to stretch myself, figure out who I am. Because sometimes it seems I'm a kind of patchwork of other peoples' psyches and expectations, not really me at all. Or maybe that's what personality is, a combination of experiences.
Heatherly mentioned in her LJ how most of her musical taste has come from other people - mine's like that. Most of what I listen to, what I read, is recommended by others. It's only been in the past year that I'm starting to make choices of my own, figure out this sort of thing for myself. It feels strange, but good. Like I'm standing on my own two feet. I haven't had that feeling for a long time.
***
New Year's resolutions aren't normally my thing, or rather, I don't generally wait until New Year's to make them. :) But I feel like this year is going to be a good one. Can't say exactly why - yes, I'm planning on a four-month overseas holiday - but a lot of the self-doubt has left me. Whatever happens, I know I can cope with it, because I know I have friends and family who will support me and back me up when I need it. And I have myself. So that's my resolution, to be true to myself. No more caging myself up, no more walls. There's too much out there to do.
***
It's still hot, but I think it's going to be a nice evening. Think I'll take a walk, let the breeze blow the fuzziness from my head. Spare you lot from my ramblings - I'm starting to sound like a self-help book. ;)
Today's been a bit of a waste, really, considering it's my last Sunday before I go back to full time work. But seeing how it reached 36 Celcius (according to the news just now), I don't feel that guilty - days like this it's best to lie around in the path of the fan and not expend energy if you can help it. 27 tomorrow, which makes for a nce change, before it heats up again. :P
Been thinking deep and interesting thoughts, which sucks on a hot day because your brain feels like it's overheating.
Thoughts like why it is people need for things to be black and white, for there to be good guys and bad guys. Having definitives, it makes it easier to make decisions, to hold opinions, because there's an obvious right and an obvious wrong. Problem is, that isn't truly the case. Not always. There are always other factors to be considered, motives we don't immediately see, reasons we have to dig further to understand. But when you start exploring these other factors, you find it becomes harder and harder to decide what to do, what to believe. Nothing is simple. And that's why we hold onto our generalisations and our half-truths, because it makes life easier. Like it's easier to portray BRM as the arsehole ex who made my life miserable, because then I don't have to think about the things I did wrong - and there are things I did wrong, I'm not just beating myself over the head again. *grins* It makes it simpler, if he's the bad guy - I think I said at one stage it would be so much easier if I could hate him. Only I can't, so things are... complicated.
Not for too much longer. He's back, week after next, and then moving out sometime by February, AFAIK. He's got a possible place to live, which is good - I think he's going to Murtoa sometime before moving out to sort stuff out. He's scared stiff, but I think it's something he needs to do. And to be honest, once he's gone, he's not my problem any more.
***
More thoughts. Thoughts about who I am, what it is to be me. I'm still finding that out - like I said to Trisha today, I want time living alone to stretch myself, figure out who I am. Because sometimes it seems I'm a kind of patchwork of other peoples' psyches and expectations, not really me at all. Or maybe that's what personality is, a combination of experiences.
Heatherly mentioned in her LJ how most of her musical taste has come from other people - mine's like that. Most of what I listen to, what I read, is recommended by others. It's only been in the past year that I'm starting to make choices of my own, figure out this sort of thing for myself. It feels strange, but good. Like I'm standing on my own two feet. I haven't had that feeling for a long time.
***
New Year's resolutions aren't normally my thing, or rather, I don't generally wait until New Year's to make them. :) But I feel like this year is going to be a good one. Can't say exactly why - yes, I'm planning on a four-month overseas holiday - but a lot of the self-doubt has left me. Whatever happens, I know I can cope with it, because I know I have friends and family who will support me and back me up when I need it. And I have myself. So that's my resolution, to be true to myself. No more caging myself up, no more walls. There's too much out there to do.
***
It's still hot, but I think it's going to be a nice evening. Think I'll take a walk, let the breeze blow the fuzziness from my head. Spare you lot from my ramblings - I'm starting to sound like a self-help book. ;)