Rossi (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
deathpixie) wrote2001-06-17 09:20 pm
deathpixie) wrote2001-06-17 09:20 pm
Time to think...
As always, I feel really silly now. I think I'm going to have to stop logging on when I'm depressed - I only make an idiot out of myself. Lynx, mate, thanks for putting up with me last night. Last night was... not good. But the worst is over now. I hope.
Two phone calls tonight. I feel so loved. :) Seraph rang after reading my LJ post, and Mel rang after speaking to Lynx. *blushes* Talk about grandstanding. Maybe I should stick to strictly fic-only type posts like Lise or Dex. There's less opportunity for embarrassment that way. But I'm very glad for those two calls. Knowing that there are people who not only think I'm worth talking to, but care about me enough to check I'm okay, goes a long way to restoring my faith in myself, which took a bit of a beating this weekend. Why is it the people who claim to be doing it for your own good do the most damage?
But enough of that. In the tradition of RossiDenial *grins* I'm changing the subject.
Something that came up during my talk with Mel (amongst a lot of other things - we were on the phone for quite a while!), was that people who are utterly convinced of the correctness of their opinions are actually sort of frightening. It reminded me of a quote from a John Marsden book, so of course now I'm off the phone, I've had a chance to look it up:
"I only ever did figure one thing out, but it was pretty important to me. I realised that the only thing I had going for me was my lack of confidence, that it was a sort of a gift."
"How do you mean?"
"I mean that the more confident people are about their beliefs, the more likely they are to be wrong. It's the ones that are so certain, so black and white, the ones who never consider that they could be wrong or that anyone else could be right, they're the ones who scare me. When you're not confident at least you keep checking what you do and asking yourself if you're on the right track. So you gave me a huge insult just now [by calling me confident]."
The Dead Of The Night John Marsden. (1994, Macmillan Australia)
I'm one of the not confident ones. I'm never certain that something is 100% right or wrong - there's always another perspective to it. Not a good philosophy to have in the Department of Justice - or maybe it is. The best magistrates are those that go into a case with an entirely open mind: they listen to both sides, and then give their judgement based on the evidence before them. Unfortunately this doesn't always happen - and it's not always a bias against the defendant.
But I've gotten distracted. Again. :) But my main point is that when you set your opinions in stone, you close yourself off from new information, you restrict yourself to just those ideas. Yes, having conviction is a good thing. Having ideals is a good thing. But not if you are unable to accept even the possibility that you might be wrong, especially in the face of evidence that you might be wrong.
Something to think about, any way.
There's a definite philosophical atmosphere her tonight. BRM and a school friend, Alex, are working on a class presentation - comparing the works of Lao Tsu (a proponent of Taoism) with Dr Suess. What they're doing is reading The Places You'll Go (quoted earlier in my journal) and interposing bits of Taoist philosophy from Lao Tsu's text. It works surprisingly well. I get to be the test audience tomorrow night; BRM is dressing up as a Taoist monk, Alex is going to be the Cat in the Hat, and Kane, the third member of the group, gets to be the mime (run away!).
Taoism is the closest I get to an official religion, although I'm not the best of scholars. Something about the whole idea of a Way that is followed not through building edifices or making sermons or donating money or converting people, but by simply being. By attempting to live a good and simple life, without undue interference in the lives of others... Yep, that's a religion I can handle.
"Highest good is like water. Because water excels in benefiting the myriad creatures without contending with them and settles where none would like to be, it comes close to the way."
Tao Te Ching Lao Tsu
I've made some decisions this weekend. It's time I got on with my life, stopped moping around being tragic. There were harsh words exchanged yesterday, and some of them held truth; that's why they hurt so much, I suppose. Some of them didn't, but nothing is gained or achieved by holding resentment. We have another six months to get through in this house together, after that I'll be working full time and will be able to manage the rent alone. We can manage six months.
In the meantime, I'm going to make the best of this. The karate thing isn't happening, so I'm going to sound out the Tai Chi class offered by one of the advanced education centres. They're the ones that do the writing courses too. I'm going to make with the social thing. I'm going to get on with things. Because as hard as it can be sometimes, I have to live in the RL world too - I can't chain myself to the computer for the rest of my life. Not that I'm belittling my online friendships - some of my online friends mean more to me than anyone else, except my family - but it's not good for me. Online is safe, comfortable; I know there will always be someone willing to accept me no matter what. But I can't wrap myself up in that and tell the world to go away, because it won't. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with the Mundanes, no matter how much of a freak they think I am.
I'm counting on you guys to nag at me, make sure I stick to this. I'm a terrible "gunna" - I'm always saying I'm 'gunna' do something, and then not doing it. So I need the prodding, and you are the only ones around to do it. Okay?
Believe me, in the long run, it'll mean a hell of a lot less angst. ;)
Two phone calls tonight. I feel so loved. :) Seraph rang after reading my LJ post, and Mel rang after speaking to Lynx. *blushes* Talk about grandstanding. Maybe I should stick to strictly fic-only type posts like Lise or Dex. There's less opportunity for embarrassment that way. But I'm very glad for those two calls. Knowing that there are people who not only think I'm worth talking to, but care about me enough to check I'm okay, goes a long way to restoring my faith in myself, which took a bit of a beating this weekend. Why is it the people who claim to be doing it for your own good do the most damage?
But enough of that. In the tradition of RossiDenial *grins* I'm changing the subject.
Something that came up during my talk with Mel (amongst a lot of other things - we were on the phone for quite a while!), was that people who are utterly convinced of the correctness of their opinions are actually sort of frightening. It reminded me of a quote from a John Marsden book, so of course now I'm off the phone, I've had a chance to look it up:
"I only ever did figure one thing out, but it was pretty important to me. I realised that the only thing I had going for me was my lack of confidence, that it was a sort of a gift."
"How do you mean?"
"I mean that the more confident people are about their beliefs, the more likely they are to be wrong. It's the ones that are so certain, so black and white, the ones who never consider that they could be wrong or that anyone else could be right, they're the ones who scare me. When you're not confident at least you keep checking what you do and asking yourself if you're on the right track. So you gave me a huge insult just now [by calling me confident]."
The Dead Of The Night John Marsden. (1994, Macmillan Australia)
I'm one of the not confident ones. I'm never certain that something is 100% right or wrong - there's always another perspective to it. Not a good philosophy to have in the Department of Justice - or maybe it is. The best magistrates are those that go into a case with an entirely open mind: they listen to both sides, and then give their judgement based on the evidence before them. Unfortunately this doesn't always happen - and it's not always a bias against the defendant.
But I've gotten distracted. Again. :) But my main point is that when you set your opinions in stone, you close yourself off from new information, you restrict yourself to just those ideas. Yes, having conviction is a good thing. Having ideals is a good thing. But not if you are unable to accept even the possibility that you might be wrong, especially in the face of evidence that you might be wrong.
Something to think about, any way.
There's a definite philosophical atmosphere her tonight. BRM and a school friend, Alex, are working on a class presentation - comparing the works of Lao Tsu (a proponent of Taoism) with Dr Suess. What they're doing is reading The Places You'll Go (quoted earlier in my journal) and interposing bits of Taoist philosophy from Lao Tsu's text. It works surprisingly well. I get to be the test audience tomorrow night; BRM is dressing up as a Taoist monk, Alex is going to be the Cat in the Hat, and Kane, the third member of the group, gets to be the mime (run away!).
Taoism is the closest I get to an official religion, although I'm not the best of scholars. Something about the whole idea of a Way that is followed not through building edifices or making sermons or donating money or converting people, but by simply being. By attempting to live a good and simple life, without undue interference in the lives of others... Yep, that's a religion I can handle.
"Highest good is like water. Because water excels in benefiting the myriad creatures without contending with them and settles where none would like to be, it comes close to the way."
Tao Te Ching Lao Tsu
I've made some decisions this weekend. It's time I got on with my life, stopped moping around being tragic. There were harsh words exchanged yesterday, and some of them held truth; that's why they hurt so much, I suppose. Some of them didn't, but nothing is gained or achieved by holding resentment. We have another six months to get through in this house together, after that I'll be working full time and will be able to manage the rent alone. We can manage six months.
In the meantime, I'm going to make the best of this. The karate thing isn't happening, so I'm going to sound out the Tai Chi class offered by one of the advanced education centres. They're the ones that do the writing courses too. I'm going to make with the social thing. I'm going to get on with things. Because as hard as it can be sometimes, I have to live in the RL world too - I can't chain myself to the computer for the rest of my life. Not that I'm belittling my online friendships - some of my online friends mean more to me than anyone else, except my family - but it's not good for me. Online is safe, comfortable; I know there will always be someone willing to accept me no matter what. But I can't wrap myself up in that and tell the world to go away, because it won't. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with the Mundanes, no matter how much of a freak they think I am.
I'm counting on you guys to nag at me, make sure I stick to this. I'm a terrible "gunna" - I'm always saying I'm 'gunna' do something, and then not doing it. So I need the prodding, and you are the only ones around to do it. Okay?
Believe me, in the long run, it'll mean a hell of a lot less angst. ;)
Re: You can sicc me on Rossi anytime
And now I feel really silly for being all mopey and angsty and cranky and generally narky. Because there are these wonderful people out there who think I'm worth knowing, and for me to think I'm not is like calling them liars, or at least bad at judging character. *hugs all* I'll try my best to stop doing that, I promise.