What am I doing here?

[deathpixie]

It's late, and I have to go to work in the morning, and yet here I am, chasing after a truth that probably doesn't exist. This is stupid, I need my sleep (unlike some of you guys, I actually need eight hours to be human!) and is finding out the truth behind the versions really going to get me anywhere? Probably not - and all it's going to do is make me unsettled and discontent and worried.

Sometimes I wonder if my involvement with the fic community has been a step back. True, I have met some wonderful people who I count as close friends, and I've learned to write again, but I also find myself resenting RL interaction, preferring to sit here at the computer rather than go out and deal with life. The doubts that assailed me in high school have returned, or at least their ghosts have - I have insight now of my neuroses, and know when they're getting the better of me, but in truth I wonder why they've come back at all. Life used to be a whole lot simpler; without the satisfaction and joy writing gives me or the feeling of security I get from the community, but also without the worries and concerns and stresses about people on the other side of the world, the politics and infighting and backbiting.

Another sign I need to reassess, I suppose. I go through these stages of needing to step back, find my place in the world again. The fic community has become too central again; I can't function as a complete adult person if my life becomes wrapped up in fic and the people of Subreality. Not to reject the friendship - I couldn't have coped without my online friends over the past few weeks - but I can see myself growing dependant, rejecting RL, and that is not a good thing.

Sleep now, and in the morning, my first week of full time work for a while. Maybe the four weeks of working full time will be good for me, give me that distance I need. It's getting so I can't think straight, and I can't let that happen; I've got to stay grounded.

Night all.

Comments

I know that feeling

[paradisacorbasi.livejournal.com]

That was, I believe, part of the reason that I developed the agorophobia I was talking about in my journal.

And just FYE (e for edification)

My journal's now completely friends only, if that matters to ya.

*HUG*

[farli.livejournal.com]

*hugtacklepounce* Hang on in there, RossiMum. Yona's written you a fic, Phil's promised to email you (and if he DOESN'T we'll gt him totally sloshed and WRITE on his forehead for him to remember!!) And we've PHOTOS. So you'll get to see photos of Phil... *drools* To quote Yona, who's sitting next to me [Yona waves!] "No one expected it, but Phil's a right sexy bastard. Lets send Rossi Smarties!!" *g*

*huggle* Sleep well!

What's good is . . .

[perihawk.livejournal.com]

. . .that you realize what's going on. I've done the same thing, so often over the last few years.

Christ, I got MARRIED online. That was some bit of insanity, eh? Getting into THIS community was probably a good thing as far as that went. A lot of us have little life outside of the internet, but it's better than the NO LIFE I had before. And to be honest, people here *encourage* you to get out and have a Real Life.

The only time I've seen Real Life slammed is when it's stressing a person out. Getting out, having fun, getting involved, that's always been encouraged.

Ros, you know what you need, now gather your courage about you, and go do it. I know you can, you're the Pixie o' Death, and you can do ANYTHING.

Shai

Thanks, guys...

[deathpixie]

No matter how whingy I get, you lot always manage to make me feel better. Which is why I am here, of course; where else would I find such good friends?