Stuff.

Good stuff, bad stuff, and blah stuff.

Good things. I had a fun time at the book discussion group last night. Got a new book The Drowner by Robert Drewe for next time, not one I've seen or read before, so this is good. I get to exercise the grey matter. The discussion last night ranged from domestic violence, to self esteem to cultural differences to the use of swearing and violence and sex in books. Cool stuff, and I enjoyed having a different topic of conversation for a change. :)

Strange thing. Leanne (my aunt) said something curious on the way back to my place. She said she often wondered what the effect of my parents' expectations of me was on me. *wryly grins* I never thought anyone noticed. See, I was the first person in our family that did any good in school. Mum left at year 11, Dad at year 8 (both through no fault of their own). I was going to be the first one to go to university. So naturally there were a lot of expectations of me, a lot of pressure to do well. The result? I was thinking about it last night. It's the reason why I don't deal well with failure; when I don't do well at something, I get very angry and frustrated. It's why I feel guilty whenever I present as less-than-capable, be it in a practical sense, or in an emotional way. It's why I'm afraid to ask for help when things are getting on top of me.

But this is turning into Self-Obsessed Things.

Bad thing. BRM got snipy at me after I got home adn Greta had left. He asked me to "stop monopolising his friends, especially when they're here to see him". Bastard. Seems I'm not allowed to talk to his friends any more, but I bet you any money that next week I'll be accused of being anti-social again. Screw him and the stick up his arse. It's annoying how every time I'm in a good mood after a bad one, he says or does something to spoil it.

Blah thing. Done the housework, so the floors aren't sticky any more. And there's no more hair in the bathroom *shudders* I hate that bit. I used mum's trick of vaccuming the bath first before woping it out, so the cloth doesn't get all hairy. Works a treat.

Bad thing. Raphie can't come down for Queen's Birthday weekend. Guess that lets you off the hook, too, Yasmin, if you can't afford it either. *pouts*

Good thing: I read a cute Movieverse fic on OTL by Mara Someone-or-Other about finals. Sorry, the name escapes me right now. Go find it. :) And feedback. I did. :)

Thing I should be doing. Going over to Albury to get my Dexcon ticket. Only I can't be bothered. Blah.

Another mood song for you...

St Swithin's Day.

Thinking back now
I suppose you were just stating your views
What was it all for?
For the weather or the Battle of Agincourt?
And the times that we all hoped would last,
Like a train have gone by so fast
And though we stood together at the edge of the platform,
We were not moved by them.

With my own hands
When I make love to your memory
It's not the same;
I miss the thunder,
I miss the rain.
And the fact that you don't understand
Casts a shadow over this land,
But the sun still shines from behind it.

Thanks all the same
But I just can't bring myself to answer your letters.
It's not your fault
But your honesty touches me like a fire.
The Polaroids that hold us together
Will surely fade away
Like the love that we spoke of forever
On St Swithin's Day.

Billy Bragg.

Whoa.

Oberon and Acetal said something tonight in chat that honestly surprised me.

They look up to me.

That always truly amazes me, finding out people like and respect me. Because for so long no-one did, and it's hard to shake off the perception that you're worhtless. I'm no-one special, not any more wise or kind than anyone else. I just try to treat other people how I would like to be treated, and a lot of the time, it's like pissing into the wind. You get taken for granted, used and taken advantage of, to the point that you just want to give up, say, "Screw this, I want to be a bastard too." Even BRM told me that the reason why Kate fascinates him so much is because she's a bitch sometimes. *shakes her head* How can that be an admirable trait, treating someone badly?

I'll never understand people.

But Obie and Acey reminded me that while sometimes it feels differently, there are people out there who care about me, and give a damn what happens to me. *hugs both* Thanks so much guys, I really appreciate it.