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Being alone when I don't want to be.
Yeah, I know, it's not as exciting as spiders or snakes or sharks or whatever, but this is my deepest darkest fear. That one day I'll turn around and find I've lost all my friends and that I'm alone. That I'll live out the rest of my life by myself and die unmourned and unremarked.
Like most fears, it's irrational. I mean, I have friends, good friends, ones who aren't about to abandon me. But the fear's still there and when I have my bad days, it's what comes up to the top of my mind. That I'm unloveable, unlikable and people only put up with me because I'm useful and do stuff for them.
I don't deal well with rejection, real or perceived. I never have, because of my fear. So every rejection is an exercise in trying to overcome my fear, because rejection is a part of our lives. Not everyone is going to like us for all time, after all, and even the best of friends have days where they're short with each other. Even the most academic of rejections, the ones that are in no way personal, hurt badly, because I can't but help take them personally. Which really isn't helpful because it opens me up to the whole "you're overreacting and taking things personally when you shouldn't" criticism, and I feel even worse.
Any way, I'm trying to deal with it. That's what therapy is about these days. Dealing with the fear so I don't lead with it, so to speak. It's very slow going, but hopefully one day I'll make it.
Being alone when I don't want to be.
Yeah, I know, it's not as exciting as spiders or snakes or sharks or whatever, but this is my deepest darkest fear. That one day I'll turn around and find I've lost all my friends and that I'm alone. That I'll live out the rest of my life by myself and die unmourned and unremarked.
Like most fears, it's irrational. I mean, I have friends, good friends, ones who aren't about to abandon me. But the fear's still there and when I have my bad days, it's what comes up to the top of my mind. That I'm unloveable, unlikable and people only put up with me because I'm useful and do stuff for them.
I don't deal well with rejection, real or perceived. I never have, because of my fear. So every rejection is an exercise in trying to overcome my fear, because rejection is a part of our lives. Not everyone is going to like us for all time, after all, and even the best of friends have days where they're short with each other. Even the most academic of rejections, the ones that are in no way personal, hurt badly, because I can't but help take them personally. Which really isn't helpful because it opens me up to the whole "you're overreacting and taking things personally when you shouldn't" criticism, and I feel even worse.
Any way, I'm trying to deal with it. That's what therapy is about these days. Dealing with the fear so I don't lead with it, so to speak. It's very slow going, but hopefully one day I'll make it.
