Connection.
Jan. 27th, 2002 08:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deathpixieToo tired tonight for anything coherant, but you know this LJ thing, it's addictive. I find myself mentally composing entries through the day, thinking "this would make a good LJ post" and wondering if people see things the same way as I do and knowing LJ is a way of finding out. Connection, I guess.
I went and saw Amelie this afternoon with BRM. As we were about to head off, he said, "Don't you feel strange, going to a film with me?" I said, "No, I go see films with friends all the time." "But we're not friends, not like that." As far as I'm concerned, we are friends; until he sees it the way I do, we'll continue hurting each other.
Amelie was wodnerful. Beautifully shot, wittily written, with the usual understatement that I love about European and Australian films. It was about making connections to others around you, making a difference in another's life, knowing that at least one person will remember you when you aren't around. Connecting. Reaching out. I had thought from the trailers I'd seen that I'd find it sad, but I came out of the theatre with a calmness, a feeling of peace, tinged with joy. It was that kind of film.
I think that's why I keep writing this journal. Sometimes it's the only thing I can write, when I find myself too tired and drained for anything else. To me, it's like talking to an old friend, about my day, my thoughts, my hopes and dreams and plans. When I get comments, I know that somehow I've connected, and it makes me feel less alone, in this big wide world. It's a way of reaching out that's easy, on my own terms. Because sometimes I find myself weary of having to reach out all the time.
BRM and I were talking it about this the other day. He asked me how it was I managed to keep going, even when things were going badly for me. I told him, "Because there's nothing else I can do." It's the same with reaching out to people. There are times I get tired of having to seek contact Offline, to initiate the meetings and calls, to do the chasing. It's why the online life is so addictive, I suppose - I have people on tap, so to speak. ;) But I know that if I don't make the effort, don't try and get in touch with people and arrange to go out, if I don't get off my sorry arse and away from the computer, it's not going to happen. So I drag myself out and do what has to be done, because no-one is going to do it for me.
I find myself wishing, just once, to go out on a date. A proper date, where someone seeks me out and asks if I want to go out and we meet and do something. I want someone to make the effort for me. It's not about sex, or about True Love, it's about someone wanting to make the connection with me. To think I'm worth the effort.
I know I have my online friends, but it's not the same. And hardly anyone seeks me out, makes the effort of emailing me to see how I am, not without me reaching out first. I guess it makes me feel kinda worthless, forgettable, or at the very least uninteresting. I've never aroused any kind of passion in anyone - I guess I'm just too boring to.
But it would be nice, just once.
I went and saw Amelie this afternoon with BRM. As we were about to head off, he said, "Don't you feel strange, going to a film with me?" I said, "No, I go see films with friends all the time." "But we're not friends, not like that." As far as I'm concerned, we are friends; until he sees it the way I do, we'll continue hurting each other.
Amelie was wodnerful. Beautifully shot, wittily written, with the usual understatement that I love about European and Australian films. It was about making connections to others around you, making a difference in another's life, knowing that at least one person will remember you when you aren't around. Connecting. Reaching out. I had thought from the trailers I'd seen that I'd find it sad, but I came out of the theatre with a calmness, a feeling of peace, tinged with joy. It was that kind of film.
I think that's why I keep writing this journal. Sometimes it's the only thing I can write, when I find myself too tired and drained for anything else. To me, it's like talking to an old friend, about my day, my thoughts, my hopes and dreams and plans. When I get comments, I know that somehow I've connected, and it makes me feel less alone, in this big wide world. It's a way of reaching out that's easy, on my own terms. Because sometimes I find myself weary of having to reach out all the time.
BRM and I were talking it about this the other day. He asked me how it was I managed to keep going, even when things were going badly for me. I told him, "Because there's nothing else I can do." It's the same with reaching out to people. There are times I get tired of having to seek contact Offline, to initiate the meetings and calls, to do the chasing. It's why the online life is so addictive, I suppose - I have people on tap, so to speak. ;) But I know that if I don't make the effort, don't try and get in touch with people and arrange to go out, if I don't get off my sorry arse and away from the computer, it's not going to happen. So I drag myself out and do what has to be done, because no-one is going to do it for me.
I find myself wishing, just once, to go out on a date. A proper date, where someone seeks me out and asks if I want to go out and we meet and do something. I want someone to make the effort for me. It's not about sex, or about True Love, it's about someone wanting to make the connection with me. To think I'm worth the effort.
I know I have my online friends, but it's not the same. And hardly anyone seeks me out, makes the effort of emailing me to see how I am, not without me reaching out first. I guess it makes me feel kinda worthless, forgettable, or at the very least uninteresting. I've never aroused any kind of passion in anyone - I guess I'm just too boring to.
But it would be nice, just once.
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Does it help?
Date: 2002-01-27 06:22 pm (UTC)Does it help at all if I say that I have distinct and clear plans to ring you sometime this week? You're there, in my mental journal, with "Ring her" pencilled next to you. Because you're not boring and I want to talk to you.
So nernie-nernie to your feelings of inferiority *g*
A
Like a sappy Telestra commercial...
Date: 2002-01-27 11:51 pm (UTC)So... How ARE you?
Date: 2002-01-28 10:48 pm (UTC)And as a side note,let me just say that I have never once considered you boring, worthless, forgettable, or even vaguely uninteresting.
So knock that off before you force me to fly over there and tickle you silly.
Re: Does it help?
Date: 2002-01-28 11:37 pm (UTC)Re: Like a sappy Telestra commercial...
Date: 2002-01-28 11:40 pm (UTC)Re: So... How ARE you?
Date: 2002-01-28 11:42 pm (UTC)know how you feel
Date: 2002-02-07 05:54 pm (UTC)Wondermouse.