Slight change of plans...
Apr. 20th, 2001 06:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deathpixieWe're going to head up to Bogong bright and early tomorrow morning. BRM is wiped after the Science camp: last night he was acting as chaperone, walking patrols between the girls' and the boys' rooms to make sure they didn't get up to anything they shouldn't. ;) BRM vs. teenage hormones. *grins* He's asleep on the couch now.
Actually, I don't mind. I need to pack, and we may just turn the walk into a daytrip and give ourselves a break on Sunday. Fine by me - I've been running around like a mad thing for the past three weeks. At least today was my last day on full time - I work Monday and Tuesday next week, and get the rest off. :) I've decided I'm going to make the most of my part-time, and make sure I'm well and truly relaxed for next year when I go back to full time. Just wish the money was better. :P
Got my train ticket for Melbourne next week, as the station is right across the road from work. Met michael for lunch too, which wasn't quite as frustrating as last time. Needless to say, we're both looking forward to Tuesday; he's picking me up from the station. Normally I'd assert my independence and insist on making my own way to his place, but I'll be carrying several lengths of wood (one of which is six feet long), and it's just too difficult with a backpack as well. So I'll let him come and get me. It's kinda nice, having someone meet you at a station, or an airport.
***
Been thinking about love, recently. Not surprising, with recent posts by various peoples, and the whole Michael thing. I'm afraid I've become somewhat cynical about it; I used to think love was everything, that love was the be-all and end-all of existence, but I've realised that that was just my high school delusions. Love is great, when you've got it, but you shouldn't expect it to make everything easy, and you shouldn't expect it to last forever, because it doesn't.
No, it's not the embittered dumpee speaking. ;) This is something that I've been thinking about for a while, before the final break. If any of you out there read a Generation X fic I posted around October last year, a Paige Guthrie introspective piece called "Brick", you'd recognise some of the thoughts. That, as a couple of people shrewdly guessed, wasn't fiction. It was my attempt at expressing some of the darker feelings I had at that time, things I felt I couldn't talk to various RL friends about. I've come to the opinion that I made a mistake in thinking that love would get us through anything, that we'd always be there for each other. It's putting too much responsibility on the other person, giving up self-determination for something that may or may not be permanent. I was wrong to do so, and now I'm having to face the consequences.
Which is why I don't want to get serious with Michael, or anyone else for that matter. I'm starting to feel like I've had my chance, done my dash, so to speak. I don't want to open myself up to the sort of pain I've been going through over the last year. I know that in order to win, you have to take a chance, but for now, I'm just not that brave.
People keep telling me that I'm brave, or special, or someone they look up to. I don't know why. I am what I've always been, a very ordinary person. There is nothing I do that isn't done by someone else much better. And there's nothing brave about my life - I just keep plodding on, one day at a time, one foot after the other. I'm something of a coward, really; if I was really brave, I would have ended this relationship a long time ago, and spared us both the current situation, or at least faced up to the fact that it wasn't "happily ever after" for us.
So, no more love for me. It just isn't worth it.
Actually, I don't mind. I need to pack, and we may just turn the walk into a daytrip and give ourselves a break on Sunday. Fine by me - I've been running around like a mad thing for the past three weeks. At least today was my last day on full time - I work Monday and Tuesday next week, and get the rest off. :) I've decided I'm going to make the most of my part-time, and make sure I'm well and truly relaxed for next year when I go back to full time. Just wish the money was better. :P
Got my train ticket for Melbourne next week, as the station is right across the road from work. Met michael for lunch too, which wasn't quite as frustrating as last time. Needless to say, we're both looking forward to Tuesday; he's picking me up from the station. Normally I'd assert my independence and insist on making my own way to his place, but I'll be carrying several lengths of wood (one of which is six feet long), and it's just too difficult with a backpack as well. So I'll let him come and get me. It's kinda nice, having someone meet you at a station, or an airport.
***
Been thinking about love, recently. Not surprising, with recent posts by various peoples, and the whole Michael thing. I'm afraid I've become somewhat cynical about it; I used to think love was everything, that love was the be-all and end-all of existence, but I've realised that that was just my high school delusions. Love is great, when you've got it, but you shouldn't expect it to make everything easy, and you shouldn't expect it to last forever, because it doesn't.
No, it's not the embittered dumpee speaking. ;) This is something that I've been thinking about for a while, before the final break. If any of you out there read a Generation X fic I posted around October last year, a Paige Guthrie introspective piece called "Brick", you'd recognise some of the thoughts. That, as a couple of people shrewdly guessed, wasn't fiction. It was my attempt at expressing some of the darker feelings I had at that time, things I felt I couldn't talk to various RL friends about. I've come to the opinion that I made a mistake in thinking that love would get us through anything, that we'd always be there for each other. It's putting too much responsibility on the other person, giving up self-determination for something that may or may not be permanent. I was wrong to do so, and now I'm having to face the consequences.
Which is why I don't want to get serious with Michael, or anyone else for that matter. I'm starting to feel like I've had my chance, done my dash, so to speak. I don't want to open myself up to the sort of pain I've been going through over the last year. I know that in order to win, you have to take a chance, but for now, I'm just not that brave.
People keep telling me that I'm brave, or special, or someone they look up to. I don't know why. I am what I've always been, a very ordinary person. There is nothing I do that isn't done by someone else much better. And there's nothing brave about my life - I just keep plodding on, one day at a time, one foot after the other. I'm something of a coward, really; if I was really brave, I would have ended this relationship a long time ago, and spared us both the current situation, or at least faced up to the fact that it wasn't "happily ever after" for us.
So, no more love for me. It just isn't worth it.
Re: From someone who's there right now
Date: 2001-04-23 02:16 am (UTC)