What am I doing here?

It's late, and I have to go to work in the morning, and yet here I am, chasing after a truth that probably doesn't exist. This is stupid, I need my sleep (unlike some of you guys, I actually need eight hours to be human!) and is finding out the truth behind the versions really going to get me anywhere? Probably not - and all it's going to do is make me unsettled and discontent and worried.

Sometimes I wonder if my involvement with the fic community has been a step back. True, I have met some wonderful people who I count as close friends, and I've learned to write again, but I also find myself resenting RL interaction, preferring to sit here at the computer rather than go out and deal with life. The doubts that assailed me in high school have returned, or at least their ghosts have - I have insight now of my neuroses, and know when they're getting the better of me, but in truth I wonder why they've come back at all. Life used to be a whole lot simpler; without the satisfaction and joy writing gives me or the feeling of security I get from the community, but also without the worries and concerns and stresses about people on the other side of the world, the politics and infighting and backbiting.

Another sign I need to reassess, I suppose. I go through these stages of needing to step back, find my place in the world again. The fic community has become too central again; I can't function as a complete adult person if my life becomes wrapped up in fic and the people of Subreality. Not to reject the friendship - I couldn't have coped without my online friends over the past few weeks - but I can see myself growing dependant, rejecting RL, and that is not a good thing.

Sleep now, and in the morning, my first week of full time work for a while. Maybe the four weeks of working full time will be good for me, give me that distance I need. It's getting so I can't think straight, and I can't let that happen; I've got to stay grounded.

Night all.

Who's the boss? Me, apparently.

I turned up at work today to find I was the only one going to be there. No biggie - there's no magistrate on Mondays, so it's just the office work - but a bit harsh for my first day back on full-time and short on sleep. ;P Still, I managed okay, although I still have to get Paula to teach me the cash system at Wodonga. I've done court accounts before, but on a different system and I have to keep leaving it for her when she gets back, which can't be fun. Especially consider she was at the dentist all day today.

I found the opening I wrote for the GenX self insertion challenge. All Dex' fault - after he posted his fragment on his mailing list, I started rethinking mine. And then Yasmin got into the act. I think I'll throw it open to a vote: who thinks I should bother? A sample, to give you an idea...

***

Customs wasn't a big deal, although I had fun explaining exactly what a Tim Tam was - I was carrying several packages as bribery material for the kids. No-one could hate someone with that much chocolate. And having to tick the "Yes" box under the mutant question on the customs declaration had left a sour taste in my mouth. It was such a lame question - along with "Are you a terrorist?" - especially with my passport endorsed with "M-NAP" (Mutant - Non-Aggressive Powers) in screaming red letters. There wasn't a point. For a moment I thought I'd be dragged off to some mutant restraining room and interrogated about my intentions, but the Customs bloke just looked at my forms, nodded and asked me the purpose of my visit.

"Working holiday - I'm going to be a teacher's aide in a private school in Snow Valley."

After all the hassle I'd had to get a visa in the first place and all the horror stories my friends had told me about mutant-hating Americans, it was all a bit of an anti-climax.

***

Actually, that's an idea for the Subreality journal. Story teasers, suggestions, some criticing... If only I could work out how to post to the silly thing now I've joined. :P


Dinner time - I'm making cheesy pumpkin and cashew pasta sauce, while BRM catches up on his homework. If he wakes up - he had to get up at four this morning to drive up from Melbourne in time for uni. Silly bugger. ;) Mind you, the couch is looking pretty good.

Nightie, night...

*yawns* Just posted to the THOSD RR (actually Raph did it for me, since I couldn't get the damn thing to load). Hope Ki doesn't kill me. Mind you, it's not as bad as the Evil Queen of Narnia. *chuckles*

Folks have been great over the last few days. It's such a help, knowing that there are people out there who care about me, adn worry about me. Farli and Raph ganged up on me for not emailing/calling them the other night (at two in the morning? Your mum would have loved that, Raph, mate), and Shai pinged me on AIM just to make sure I was okay. It's such a turnaround; usually I'm the one checking on folks and handing out the cuddles. *wry grin* Reminds me of soething Meng (my karate sensei) said about the master becoming the student. Things go in cycles, and we're all students and masters.