Disclaimer: This isn't aimed at anyone specific. Yes, some of this arises out of actual incidents, but it's more a general reflection on things than an accusatory "you suck because you didn't thank me for the Christmas card I sent!" post. A reminder, maybe, given it's That Time and there's a lot of gestures going on? We're all busy, we're all stressed and we all forget sometimes. Including me. I just thought I'd bring stuff to people's minds.
It's strange, but after years of hanging out with fanficcers, I've realised something. There's this perception that being polite, that adhering to those small social rules and mores known as manners, is somehow weak, dishonest or conformist. Which is actually pretty dumb, since, when you think about it, manners are a really big part of establishing connections with people, of showing you care about and respect others.
For example. Someone sends you something. It's usual to say "thank you" when this happens, but I've had more than one instance where I haven't heard squat, leaving me to wonder if a) they even got the thing I sent or b) whether they hate it like cancer and it's currently languishing in the bottom of the trash or being used as a dartboard. It's not until I've asked if it turned up that I get a response. And I know people are busy, and forgetful and just plain lazy sometimes. But think about it this way. It takes less than five minutes to send an email, to post an LJ entry. That's all. And those five minutes, those two words - "thank you" - are more than an empty social nicety. It's acknowledging the effort your friend made in picking out the gift, in sending it to you. It's letting them know that you appreciate the effort on your behalf. It's establishing a connection, letting them know that they aren't working in a vacuum. It's valuing another person, and believe me, it's that which helps cement a friendship.
The thing is, people need people. We're social animals, we're conditioned and trained and even genetically wired to seek out the company of others. On an emotional level, we need to know we're not alone, that we're important at least to one other person, that someone would care if we up and died tomorrow. Without that, we shrivel up and die. But the thing is, it's not a one-way street. In order to get that acknowledgement, that value, you need to give it. You need to make those small gestures, those social niceties, that give other people the impression you're acknowledging their existence. Thanking someone for something they've done, saying "hello" to the person who answers the phone, even if it's not the person you're wanting to speak to, using people's names, holding the door open for the person behind you. All small stuff, nothing that takes effort, but it makes a huge difference in the way people react to you and how they deal with you. People hate being taken for granted, and the casual rudeness I see around me sometimes is precisely that.
Maybe this is Bleeding Obvious Gal striking again. Maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. But I'll tell you this - nothing is as guaranteed to make me grumpy and hostile as someone I know treating me like a secretary and asking for someone else without even saying 'hi'.
Just a thought.
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