Social niceties
Dec. 21st, 2006 11:24 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deathpixieDisclaimer: This isn't aimed at anyone specific. Yes, some of this arises out of actual incidents, but it's more a general reflection on things than an accusatory "you suck because you didn't thank me for the Christmas card I sent!" post. A reminder, maybe, given it's That Time and there's a lot of gestures going on? We're all busy, we're all stressed and we all forget sometimes. Including me. I just thought I'd bring stuff to people's minds.
It's strange, but after years of hanging out with fanficcers, I've realised something. There's this perception that being polite, that adhering to those small social rules and mores known as manners, is somehow weak, dishonest or conformist. Which is actually pretty dumb, since, when you think about it, manners are a really big part of establishing connections with people, of showing you care about and respect others.
For example. Someone sends you something. It's usual to say "thank you" when this happens, but I've had more than one instance where I haven't heard squat, leaving me to wonder if a) they even got the thing I sent or b) whether they hate it like cancer and it's currently languishing in the bottom of the trash or being used as a dartboard. It's not until I've asked if it turned up that I get a response. And I know people are busy, and forgetful and just plain lazy sometimes. But think about it this way. It takes less than five minutes to send an email, to post an LJ entry. That's all. And those five minutes, those two words - "thank you" - are more than an empty social nicety. It's acknowledging the effort your friend made in picking out the gift, in sending it to you. It's letting them know that you appreciate the effort on your behalf. It's establishing a connection, letting them know that they aren't working in a vacuum. It's valuing another person, and believe me, it's that which helps cement a friendship.
The thing is, people need people. We're social animals, we're conditioned and trained and even genetically wired to seek out the company of others. On an emotional level, we need to know we're not alone, that we're important at least to one other person, that someone would care if we up and died tomorrow. Without that, we shrivel up and die. But the thing is, it's not a one-way street. In order to get that acknowledgement, that value, you need to give it. You need to make those small gestures, those social niceties, that give other people the impression you're acknowledging their existence. Thanking someone for something they've done, saying "hello" to the person who answers the phone, even if it's not the person you're wanting to speak to, using people's names, holding the door open for the person behind you. All small stuff, nothing that takes effort, but it makes a huge difference in the way people react to you and how they deal with you. People hate being taken for granted, and the casual rudeness I see around me sometimes is precisely that.
Maybe this is Bleeding Obvious Gal striking again. Maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. But I'll tell you this - nothing is as guaranteed to make me grumpy and hostile as someone I know treating me like a secretary and asking for someone else without even saying 'hi'.
Just a thought.
It's strange, but after years of hanging out with fanficcers, I've realised something. There's this perception that being polite, that adhering to those small social rules and mores known as manners, is somehow weak, dishonest or conformist. Which is actually pretty dumb, since, when you think about it, manners are a really big part of establishing connections with people, of showing you care about and respect others.
For example. Someone sends you something. It's usual to say "thank you" when this happens, but I've had more than one instance where I haven't heard squat, leaving me to wonder if a) they even got the thing I sent or b) whether they hate it like cancer and it's currently languishing in the bottom of the trash or being used as a dartboard. It's not until I've asked if it turned up that I get a response. And I know people are busy, and forgetful and just plain lazy sometimes. But think about it this way. It takes less than five minutes to send an email, to post an LJ entry. That's all. And those five minutes, those two words - "thank you" - are more than an empty social nicety. It's acknowledging the effort your friend made in picking out the gift, in sending it to you. It's letting them know that you appreciate the effort on your behalf. It's establishing a connection, letting them know that they aren't working in a vacuum. It's valuing another person, and believe me, it's that which helps cement a friendship.
The thing is, people need people. We're social animals, we're conditioned and trained and even genetically wired to seek out the company of others. On an emotional level, we need to know we're not alone, that we're important at least to one other person, that someone would care if we up and died tomorrow. Without that, we shrivel up and die. But the thing is, it's not a one-way street. In order to get that acknowledgement, that value, you need to give it. You need to make those small gestures, those social niceties, that give other people the impression you're acknowledging their existence. Thanking someone for something they've done, saying "hello" to the person who answers the phone, even if it's not the person you're wanting to speak to, using people's names, holding the door open for the person behind you. All small stuff, nothing that takes effort, but it makes a huge difference in the way people react to you and how they deal with you. People hate being taken for granted, and the casual rudeness I see around me sometimes is precisely that.
Maybe this is Bleeding Obvious Gal striking again. Maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. But I'll tell you this - nothing is as guaranteed to make me grumpy and hostile as someone I know treating me like a secretary and asking for someone else without even saying 'hi'.
Just a thought.
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no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 04:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 06:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 07:21 pm (UTC)Loved my card. Read it three times on the bus.
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Date: 2006-12-21 07:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 07:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 07:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 08:02 pm (UTC)And considering I'm Cameron..?
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Date: 2006-12-21 05:38 pm (UTC)2. After we broke up but while we were still living together, my ex used to get mad at me for opening up IM conversations with questions like "Hey, did you send that check out?" or "Hey, got the money you owe me yet?" "What about a a little 'hello' first," he'd gripe. The next time I saw him or talked to him, I said, "Hey, how are you?" He replied that he was fine, and then I launched into what I wanted or needed to follow up with him about. Then he got mad at me for faking an interest in him.
I couldn't win.
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Date: 2006-12-21 06:05 pm (UTC)*nods* It's certainly not aimed at anyone specific, more the culmination of ruminations, recent conversations and some incidents over a several-year span. Some of which didn't even happen to me - I've seen friends upset and thinking they suck because the effort they put into doing something for a friend wasn't even acknowledged. I tend to dislike seeing that. ;)
2. I couldn't win.
And against passive-aggressive bastards, you can't. Don't even try - just go with the 'yes dear, fuck you too, dear' response and move on.
Annnnnd because, yes, I do suck...;)
Date: 2006-12-21 09:37 pm (UTC)Brain has gone squishy due to unanticipated stress but, yeah, still. Thank you. :) I'm short on cash, so am trying to figure out gifts for you and Dex.
Except emails this weekend with more thankings.
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Date: 2006-12-21 09:57 pm (UTC)the US post office has never broke even or made a profit in its entire existance. and yet, the price is too high. wtf?
thank you notes are a fading practice that is so wonderful. I can understand not writing a thank-you note for a holiday card, but not even saying thank you or mentioning you received it? downright rude. horrible.
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Date: 2006-12-21 11:21 pm (UTC)b) (and this is quite tragic on my part, too) I think I ended up sending off about seventeen things to people this year and last year - random cards, cds, that sort of thing and got thankyous for less than half them, all up, even from people I'd consider good friends.
So I've decided to not to bother with it any more, since it's just not worth the self doubt after since I can't have sent them something that was good enough or because now they think I'm a crazy stalker person or that I'm just not actually someone they like and they're making a subtle point here that I'm too dense to get. I'm also not doing it any more since it's almost never, ever reciprocated - I got a couple of CDs from Acey and Lise and three cards (Although, honestly, I don't think I've ever done that well before). I know people are busy and money is tight for most people (me included), I don't give people things to get things back or because I WANT to be thanked (even if it is polite) so I'm just getting sick of the whole business.
(which is the rambling and less self-pitying version of the OMG! people suck sometimes one I decided to never post in my lj.
no subject
Date: 2006-12-21 11:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-12-22 01:03 am (UTC)I got your card yesterday. :) I LOVE it. I have thought about the comments (yours and Bryant's) several times over what was otherwise a stinky day.
I was going to reply, I promise, but again, just got it yesterday! You know I live down here in the depths. :)
Lee and I were actually talking about driving up to see you two next month. Your card reminded me how much I love this community.
Much love, truly.