*sigh*

Once upon a time, I had an immune system, a regular sleeping pattern, and an appetite. Oh, and a work ethic. Now I have none of those. This is really getting tiresome.

Thank god for juice is all I can say.

On a less whingy note, it's snowing again, for the second time this week. Big fluffy feather-bed type flakes that make it look like a snow globe out there. This makes me happy, although I have yet to buy those replacement winter boots I need.

Public Service Announcement

I've had a craptastic day at work (yes, it would be Gnish-related, but I won't bore you with the details), I'm still sick (charming hacking cough, voice fading in and out, headache and stomachache from the cough) and I have my first counselling appointment tomorrow. Strangely enough, I'm a bit on the cranky side. Feeling sidelined and irritable and just generally lacking in patience for anyone's crap, including mine. So, I'm going to drink the nice drug-filled lemony thing Disa left for me, keep well away from chat and not answer any emails or posts that require anything more of me than the basics. Maybe some Wiki, depending on whether I can be productive beyond wanting to send people rude emails telling them they're lazy bastards.

*wry* Yeah, not in the good headplace today.

And hopefully the nice drug-filled lemony drink will knock me so unconscious I can't hear the roommate and Disa coming back from band night (which, yes, I'm missing), since ear plugs + stuffy nose = SINUS PAIN BEYOND BELIEF.

TMI: Wheels Within Wheels

The thing about depression is, it's a self-perpetuating cycle. At least with me it is.

A combination of things has sparked off tonight's effort. A week and a half of feeling ill, which has led to me staying indoors, mostly on the couch. Staying indoors and not really being social has led to me feeling isolated, lonely, and annoyed at myself for being lazy and not doing anything more worthwhile with my time than X-Project. Those feelings lead me to isolate myself even more, for fear of lashing out at someone, or bringing down any number of the people around me who are already having a craptastic time of it. Not feeling I'm able to express my blah leads to resentment, more loneliness, and the feeling that I'm only worth what I can do for other people.

Which would be where I am right now.

I hate this. I hate that I keep getting trapped in these cycles. I hate that it's never a convenient time in terms of actually having people who can react, who can support me. I hate that I need the support, the validation. I hate that I always turn this sort of thing back on myself, half convince myself that it's because I'm worthless and useless and lots of other -less words. I hate feeling like I have to have a fucking meltdown before anyone notices I'm not coping, but other people just have to have an off day and everyone's falling all over themselves to help. I hate that part of me discounts those people who do pay attention, because it doesn't fit into my martyrdom, or because they aren't the right people paying attention. I hate that Steve hasn't contacted me for more than a week, when I told him it was up to him this time. I hate that the only reason I was asked to do an XP plot was because they wanted someone to wrangle it, not because they wanted my character or me to really write anything. I hate that sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who cares about finishing the Wiki. I hate that every time I log, I have to instigate it, drive it and/or remind the person that we're actually logging. I hate that an online RPG is the only thing I'm even vaguely enthused about lately.

I hate that I'm so fucking self-absorbed, and at the same time, feeling like it's always about everyone else and not me.

*sighs* And this is just another one of those 'pay attention to me!' posts. I'm going to take my own advice, switch this thing off, and try and get a few hours' solid sleep. And tomorrow, I go to the counsellor and hope to god it's a mesh, since I sure as fuck am not helping myself any.