TMI: Wheels Within Wheels

[deathpixie]

The thing about depression is, it's a self-perpetuating cycle. At least with me it is.

A combination of things has sparked off tonight's effort. A week and a half of feeling ill, which has led to me staying indoors, mostly on the couch. Staying indoors and not really being social has led to me feeling isolated, lonely, and annoyed at myself for being lazy and not doing anything more worthwhile with my time than X-Project. Those feelings lead me to isolate myself even more, for fear of lashing out at someone, or bringing down any number of the people around me who are already having a craptastic time of it. Not feeling I'm able to express my blah leads to resentment, more loneliness, and the feeling that I'm only worth what I can do for other people.

Which would be where I am right now.

I hate this. I hate that I keep getting trapped in these cycles. I hate that it's never a convenient time in terms of actually having people who can react, who can support me. I hate that I need the support, the validation. I hate that I always turn this sort of thing back on myself, half convince myself that it's because I'm worthless and useless and lots of other -less words. I hate feeling like I have to have a fucking meltdown before anyone notices I'm not coping, but other people just have to have an off day and everyone's falling all over themselves to help. I hate that part of me discounts those people who do pay attention, because it doesn't fit into my martyrdom, or because they aren't the right people paying attention. I hate that Steve hasn't contacted me for more than a week, when I told him it was up to him this time. I hate that the only reason I was asked to do an XP plot was because they wanted someone to wrangle it, not because they wanted my character or me to really write anything. I hate that sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who cares about finishing the Wiki. I hate that every time I log, I have to instigate it, drive it and/or remind the person that we're actually logging. I hate that an online RPG is the only thing I'm even vaguely enthused about lately.

I hate that I'm so fucking self-absorbed, and at the same time, feeling like it's always about everyone else and not me.

*sighs* And this is just another one of those 'pay attention to me!' posts. I'm going to take my own advice, switch this thing off, and try and get a few hours' solid sleep. And tomorrow, I go to the counsellor and hope to god it's a mesh, since I sure as fuck am not helping myself any.

Comments

[ferox.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry...

I'm trying as hard as I can; I don't know what else to do.

[deathpixie]

I'm sorry. This isn't anyone's fault but mine.

[resplendissante.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I was going to comment on your last post, but I didn't, because it occurred to me that I am a Wiki villain (much in the way of my being a library villain, video store villain, honours thesis villain...), but I did and do want to say that you DESERVE the attention, and should never be ashamed to ask for it.

You're my friend because you have an extraordinary heart and mind - and while I think that everyone very much admires and appreciates what you DO (I know I do), they love you for exactly the same reason.

I hope the appointment tomorrow is really good, and that the sleeping works itself out. If you ever need anything - please let me know?

[deathpixie]

Oh, you're not one of the villains - you've already said you can't do it, and that's fine by me. You haven't promised you will and then completely flaked. That's what bugs me, people not following through on an agreement. Especially when it feels like the attitude is: "It's okay, Rossi will do it."

And I really needed to hear that. Too much organising lately, too much bad timing with my issues. It gets hard to remember there is anything else besides what I can do for folks.

Sleeping happened, thank god. I'm somewhat ambivalent about the appointment - I know I need it, but it's hard not to see it as failure sometimes. Bugger Captain Paranoia any way.

[indiana-j.livejournal.com]

Speaking of wiki! Once my life settles down--which, er, might be next week since we're in the process of reopening the office (and I'm in the process of threatening to ship annoying coworkers off to our storage unit offsite...)--I'm going to get back into being the editing bitch of the wiki. ^.^

Also! Happy news. Karen thinks she might be able to find the Moira app. If she can't, then I'll set down and have a outline for you soon.

[seraangel.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Unfortunately, there's times when talking to friends just doesn't cut it anymore. Sometimes a Professional might have insights and know ways to help that we can't, because we haven't been trained to know that stuff. But I'm here for you whenever you need a shoulder, mate.

[amythyst7.livejournal.com]

Depression is often a self-perpetuating cycle - that's why it's so difficult for people to get out of it. I really hope you click with the counselor you're set to see today. If you need to talk tonight or any other time (via phone or email), just let me know...I'm around. I know I'm not necessarily one of the "right" people, but I'm always willing to lend my ear or shoulder. I'm looking forward to seeing you again in March so I can give you the hug I so desperately want to right now...for now, *hug*

[deathpixie]

*hugsback* Thanks.

I guess by 'not the right people' I mean 'people who are physically in the same locale'. It's a failing on my part that I seem to need more in the way of physical reinforcement than I ever used to, and when I get like this, what I seem to only count is someone being there and letting me use them as a crying towel. *wry* Part of the cycle - even with proof in writing I have people who care, I tend to discount it because it doesn't fit in with the whole "I'm all alone and no-one cares mindset" I get into, and discounting people online is a lot easier than discounting people who are physically there.

Feel free to kick me in the butt for being a rude doofus when you turn up in March. ;)

[indiana-j.livejournal.com]

*just hugs* I wish there was more I could do but I understand so much about the cycle. I am here for you, even though sometimes it might not be enough (and for that I'm so glad you're seeing someone today, I hope it goes well), for whatever you need.

*hugs again*

[msss.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Y'know, counselling is a really good first step. And the fact that you've taken it is an achievement. (Believe me, I managed to put it off for nine months.)

You're a good person. Never doubt it. We love you.

[deathpixie]

Heh. I probably should have done this after I got back from Walkabout. However, I'm doing it now, as people have pointed out. Now to get over the feeling like I'm backsliding.