deathpixie | Ooh look, a bandwagon! Let's jump on it!

I've been feeling kind of out of the loop a bit lately anyway, what with most of my Friends list being at Dexcon, so here's a bit of re-connection...

The Interview meme.

The rules:
1. Leave a comment saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I'll reply and give you five questions to answer.
3. You'll update your LJ with the five questions answered.
4. You'll include this explanation.
5. You ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed. And it just keeps going, and going, and going.

[Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]'s questions:

1: With regards to BRM - you were with him for a long time, and put up with a lot of crap for a long time. How do you think the whole experience has changed your viewpoint on men, relationships, and the whole deal?

Hmm. It's strange - as much as I would love to say BRM has had no impact on me and the way I see relationships, I have to admit he has. A hell of a lot of impact. Some of it's good: I understand now that giving up your personality to be the perfect agreeable partner is a stupid thing, and that I have a lot more strength than I realised, and no matter how bad things get relationship-wise, I can survive it, I can just walk away.

But a lot of it's bad. I don't trust people any more; I've gotten deeply cynical about anyone who finds me attractive, because BRM said he loved me and then would turn around and tell me what my personality problems were and put me down a lot, and he used me, even after we split. I feel anyone who would find me attractive is only saying it because they want something out of me. I'm deeply afraid of rejection - being dumped (and cheated on) by a socially-inept depressive isn't exactly bolstering to the ego - which is why I find myself getting crushes on people I know there's no chance of anything happening with: the fault is anyone else's, not mine, when they turn me down. But any kind of rejection sends me into this nasty self-hating spiral, which is why the job hunt has been lurching along so unevenly. I'm terrified of being tied down again, of finding myself in a situation like that where I lose my entire personality, where Ihave to give up what I want, where someone has the power to hurt me like that again. It's made me aware I have a hell of a lot of repair work to do on my psyche if I'm ever going to feel happy about myself again - my self-esteem is horribly shot, and it seems to be getting worse the longer I spend alone. I have trouble connecting with people, because I'm waiting for them to turn on me, and when they do drift away because they feel that disconnection, I feel vindicated.

And with all the counselling and self-analysis, I can't even slip back into denial any more. That's the sucky part. ;)

2: Following #1 - you're no stranger to the casual fling. What do you look for in a casual lover that isn't as important in a long-term relationship?

Stamina. *grins* Okay, seriously... It's not so much the presence of a particular quality as the absence of those qualities you would have in a relationship. The minute I get the feeling that the other person is getting too attached, is needing me, I break it off. It's safer that way (see previous answer). And it seems to depend on how much I've had to drink and how interested the other person is in me; it became a purely physical thing, which was making me feel cheap. That's why I stopped having the casual flings - no kind of any contact with the opposite sex which isn't friends-only since February. Which could explain the tendency to get maudlin when I get drunk these days...

3: John Constantine's an unmitigated bastard. So why do you and so many others like him?

I like him because he's an interesting character to write. There's so many layers to him, and you can have him make the hard decisions and do the bastard things when you need someone to. For me to find a character interesting, I need subtlety and complexity - black-and-white cardboard cut-outs of Good and Evil just don't interest me for long. It's why I kind of enjoyed Season Six of Buffy, when a lot of people hate it - Buffy went from being the stainless Heroine to someone who was seriously messed up and made mistakes accordingly, but still managed to get past that and be a hero. John's like that - sure he's a prick, but just when you're ready to write him off as a Bad Guy, he does something unexpected.

4: You've had the short hair for most of your adult life, yet as we've seen, you don't look bad at all with it grown out a bit. What would it take to get you to try a new hairstyle?

*laughs* Strange you should say that... I'm actually growing it out (again) at the moment. The problem is that there's this really annoying half-way, sticking-out-all-over-the-place stage that drives me insane so I chop it off again. And then someone says how much better it looks like that. But I'm going for Willow in Season Four length - I'm hoping I can make it through the blah stage this time. ;)

And I'm messing around with the colour periodically - you should have seen it when I was blonde. ;)

5: You're suddenly set upon by a large group of friends, who all expect a good meal. If you had everything you needed in your kitchen, what would you fix them?

Basic Pasta Sauce - a can (or two, depending on numbers) of tomatoes, some onion and garlic, capsicum/pepper, mushroom if there's no violent objections, red wine, basil and ground black pepper. Big pot of sauce, another big pot of pasta (usually sprials, since they cool fastest), grated cheese (Parmesan) as an optional extra, and it's all good.

Still waiting on more questions...