Ah, sweet sanity...

[deathpixie]

So, on doctor's orders, I've switched taking my meds from the evening to the morning, to combat that whole "can't wake up in the morning issue". After a fun few days (especially yesterday, where I was back right in the Slough of Despond bigtime), I seem to be adjusting to the change. Not only was I at work early (5 minutes early, in fact), I'm awake, alert and functioning, which is a considerable improvement on things.



Something I realised last night, talking to the roomie and [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] about the immensely crappy day I had yesterday, is that whenever I feel bad, I feel guilty. Guilty I'm not coping better, guilty I'm not acknowledging all the good in my life, guilty that I'm somehow failing people when they have things so much worse than me. It's gotten worse since the depression and going on the meds, as I realised the last few months before the meds, I was an awful, awful person to be around. Selfish, self-obsessed, taking offence at everything. And I'm still a bit twitchy about it, since the other part of it is I actually don't clearly remember things from those last couple of weeks particularly, so I don't know who I've upset or offended and who I should be trying to make amends with. And not being able to 'fix' things is one of those big Issues with me. As you might have noticed. ;)

One of the worst things anyone can say to me is "well, at least you have this, since I don't." It triggers all that guilt and makes me curl into a ball of "well, yes, I am a sucky person, there's my confirmation right there." Because a function of my depression is to only see the bad, to overlook the good, and as soon as someone points it out in terms of "you have this and I don't", not only do I realise I'm not acknowledging what I have, by doing so I'm rubbing it in the face of those who don't, which makes me doubly 'bad' and drives me even further into the bad place.

So I guess I'm giving a bit of a PSA - don't use that particular guilt trip on me. I have quite enough of my own guilt, thanks, and you will only succeed in driving me away. Also? If I did or said something in the Bad Time that made you feel crappy, let me know? I honestly can't remember things from then that clearly, and I'd like the chance to make amends.

Comments

[frito-kal.livejournal.com]

I'm glad the timing switch is working out well for you.

I also wanted to come up with something awesome and profound and such about guilt, but I can't. :( But I can tell you that I can't think of anything you need to make amends for with me, but if I happen to come up with anything in the next However Long It Takes, I'll tell you right away and we'll work it out. But I can't think of anything, which considering I hold grudges, is a good sign that nothing came up that I consider Serious.

[just-shai.livejournal.com]

[ELPHABA:]
And just to clear the air,
I ask forgiveness,
For the things I've done,
You blamed me for.

[GLINDA:]
But then,
I guess,
We know there's blame to share.

[BOTH:]
And none of it seems to matter,
Anymore.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_bounce_/]

I owe you an apology then. I didn't realise that envying yoru ability to nap would fall into that category but I guess it does.

I'm genuinely sorry for doing that to you.

[deathpixie]

*baps* You are such a nong. That isn't even in the same room as being the same category. :P

[http://users.livejournal.com/_bounce_/]

Ah. Sorry about that, then.