deathpixie | NanoWrimo - 30 Short Stories

"Hello, Conscience for Hire, Candy speaking. How may I help you today?"

"Um, is this, you know, the place I call when I'm not..."

"When you're not sure if you should do something or not? Absolutely, sir."

"Oh, good. I wasn't sure... I mean, I thought it was a joke."

"A lot of people think that on their first call. It's perfectly reasonable. Why don't you tell me what your problem is?"

"Well, there's this girl, at my work and I, that is, we... Well, we kissed. In the supply room."

"And I'd be right in assuming you're married, sir?"

"Yeah."

"And you're wondering if you should have an affair with this girl from the office?"

"Pretty much. I'm an awful person, aren't I?"

"Not necessarily, sir."

"...What?"

"Your marriage. Is it a happy one?"

"Well, I guess. It's been twenty years, so I suppose no-one's really happy after that long. We have our problems."

"And this girl, how does she make you feel?"

"Young. She's only twenty-five and thinks I'm sexy. She laughs at my jokes. And she's really hot."

"And meanwhile your wife is shuffling around in a housecoat with her legs unshaved, nagging you about money when you're trying to watch the game."

"Well, yeah."

"And you've spent all this time earning money to keep her happy, to get the house and the car and everything else, not once having anything you could call your own. Is that the case, sir?"

"Damn right it is! Why that greedy, nagging... It'd serve her right if I had an affair!"

"Exactly, sir."

"Wow, I feel so much better. Thanks, you just changed my life."

"We aim to help, sir. Now, if you'll just give me your credit card details..."

***

A scaled claw disconnected the call and the demon sat back, adjusting the headset slightly. "There's another one heading our way. I've got to say, when the Boss got into this whole racket, I was skeptical. But it sure beats sitting around trying to tempt people in person... Oh, wait, got another one... "Good afternoon, Conscience for Hire, Candy speaking..."