Questions and Answers.
Feb. 20th, 2002 09:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deathpixieBRM asked me the other day "How do you cope with stuff?" As if I've discovered some kind of mystical potion that cures all my woes, or a self-help book that actually has the answers. At the time I just said, "I just do. I put my head down and get on with things, because I know they need to be done."
That's true. It's how I deal with things... or maybe not deal with things. I tend to shove stuff out of my consciousness and away into one of those locked boxes that are piling up in my mental attic, and just... get on with things. There's nothing else to do, really. No-one's going to suddenly appear and remove all my problems and whisk me away from Wodonga and give me unlimited finances. No-one's going to do it but me, and while my friends and family are there to support and help me, they can't change my life for me. Only I can do that. So what's the point of whinging and whining and saying how unfair it all is? I know it's unfair, but me complaining that it is isn't going to diddly-squat to improve the situation. Getting off my arse and making an effort to be social and getting BRM to move out and setting myself a budget and sticking to it, and biting my tongue and swallowing my rage and just getting on with things is going to... if not improve the situation, at least get me through the rough spots to a point where I can pack it all in and say, "Screw you guys, I'm going overseas."
*grins wryly* No wonder my shoulders are like rock tonight, even after tai chi. Way too much inner tension.
I guess I'm just getting tired of everything being such a grind. Yes, life's a bitch and then you die, but sometimes it just gets to me, y'know? And even the little things that bring me pleasure, like my first Amnesty meeting last night and the email I got from Phil Foster tonight and my tai chi class going so well and phone calls from friends and a possible visit from David tomorrow while BRM's at school camp and I have the house to myself... the pleasure I get is short-lived, because I know tomorrow I'll be back into the same old routine and that's going to stretch out for another five months and I'm just going to have to put up with it.
*sighs* Sometimes I feel like I could sleep for a month.
Another question - Ashlan was asking in her LJ about where people feel they're from. I think I read in someone's replies that they were an Army brat, and so felt they had no 'home' as such... I feel very much the same thing.
*grins* Dyce and Dia's mum asked a similar question - "what does home mean to you?" I think I answered along the lines of "Home is where you feel comfortable, where you feel you can be yourself."
That isn't here. To tell the truth, I haven't had that feeling anywhere I've lived for the past few years, even though I'm fairly adept at moving and settling into a place fairly quickly. I adapt to change well. But that deep down feeling of security, of peace... no, I haven't felt that for a very long time.
So when I try to answer the question, "where am I from?" the best answer I can give is Australia. And sometimes I wonder if that's even true anymore, as I feel less and less proud to be an Aussie, in the face of the way things are and look to be heading.
Ugh, didn't mean to get all morbid. Just tired, really. Things will look up tomorrow. They always do.
Or that's what I tell myself.
That's true. It's how I deal with things... or maybe not deal with things. I tend to shove stuff out of my consciousness and away into one of those locked boxes that are piling up in my mental attic, and just... get on with things. There's nothing else to do, really. No-one's going to suddenly appear and remove all my problems and whisk me away from Wodonga and give me unlimited finances. No-one's going to do it but me, and while my friends and family are there to support and help me, they can't change my life for me. Only I can do that. So what's the point of whinging and whining and saying how unfair it all is? I know it's unfair, but me complaining that it is isn't going to diddly-squat to improve the situation. Getting off my arse and making an effort to be social and getting BRM to move out and setting myself a budget and sticking to it, and biting my tongue and swallowing my rage and just getting on with things is going to... if not improve the situation, at least get me through the rough spots to a point where I can pack it all in and say, "Screw you guys, I'm going overseas."
*grins wryly* No wonder my shoulders are like rock tonight, even after tai chi. Way too much inner tension.
I guess I'm just getting tired of everything being such a grind. Yes, life's a bitch and then you die, but sometimes it just gets to me, y'know? And even the little things that bring me pleasure, like my first Amnesty meeting last night and the email I got from Phil Foster tonight and my tai chi class going so well and phone calls from friends and a possible visit from David tomorrow while BRM's at school camp and I have the house to myself... the pleasure I get is short-lived, because I know tomorrow I'll be back into the same old routine and that's going to stretch out for another five months and I'm just going to have to put up with it.
*sighs* Sometimes I feel like I could sleep for a month.
Another question - Ashlan was asking in her LJ about where people feel they're from. I think I read in someone's replies that they were an Army brat, and so felt they had no 'home' as such... I feel very much the same thing.
*grins* Dyce and Dia's mum asked a similar question - "what does home mean to you?" I think I answered along the lines of "Home is where you feel comfortable, where you feel you can be yourself."
That isn't here. To tell the truth, I haven't had that feeling anywhere I've lived for the past few years, even though I'm fairly adept at moving and settling into a place fairly quickly. I adapt to change well. But that deep down feeling of security, of peace... no, I haven't felt that for a very long time.
So when I try to answer the question, "where am I from?" the best answer I can give is Australia. And sometimes I wonder if that's even true anymore, as I feel less and less proud to be an Aussie, in the face of the way things are and look to be heading.
Ugh, didn't mean to get all morbid. Just tired, really. Things will look up tomorrow. They always do.
Or that's what I tell myself.
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Just remember. . .
Date: 2002-02-20 05:34 am (UTC)Ag.
::snuggles and goes to bury herself in work instead of preoccupy herself with money issues::
Re: Just remember. . .
Date: 2002-02-21 10:19 pm (UTC)Problems
Re: Problems
Date: 2002-02-21 10:16 pm (UTC)*grins* I'm better now. Just one of those evenings when it all gets too much.
I know.
Date: 2002-02-21 07:12 pm (UTC)You manage because I know you notice these things, you notice the weird tightening chill of your skin after you haul your tired muscles out of the pool after a swim, you notice the coziness of curling up in bed with your laptop because you're not quite tired enough to sleep yet, and you had a really funky idea.
Pleasure's all about the short term. Happiness is fleeting, that's all it ever is. But if you notice it, you're half way there. And you notice. *grin* I've noticed you noticing.
So, yeah. Hold on. Heh. I'll even give you a backrub when I get down there in April-or-whenever-it-is.
And someone asked me a while ago about homes. Home, for me, is where the water is real, you know how the taps work, and where you sleep the right way.
Of course, that's extremely simplistic, but hey. It's fun. *G*
Stay well, dudeling.
Re: I know.
Date: 2002-02-21 10:17 pm (UTC)