Launching...

I'm still not sure why I'm doing this. I'm a private person, this sort of public-ish forum doesn't come easily. And it smacks of hypocrisy after I said I didn't like the idea of an online journal that people could read. I guess I'm a victim of peer-group pressure. Oh, the irony.

In a way I suppose I wanted some way to mark the start of my "new life". Or at least the end of the old one. This is the year I am seriously going to attempt to make something of this writing gig, and the 'experts' are always saying a journal is a good way to start. A journal with an audience is just one step further, I suppose. ;)

And I suppose it's a way to give people an idea - my friends, that is - an idea of how things are going, without me having to explain it all several times. Not that I mind people asking, it's woderful to know that people care about me that much, but it's hard to keep saying (or typing) the words over and over... "BRM and I have broken up."

Some background, then, before I find something else to focus my insomnia on. My relationship of twelve years (not married, but everything else, practically), has recently come undone. We're still living in the same house, but platonically, as housemates and friends, not a couple. Perhaps not a perfect arrangement, but it's one we have to put up with until the financial situation improves. And honestly, I'd rather live alone than with anyone else than him. No-one else could put up with me, for a start. ;)

So, I'm in the throes of whatever you call this up-and-down emotional rollercoaster. Rationally, intellectually, I know this is for the best, that we're better off as friends than lovers, but since when did our intellects have the final say? So be warned. Most of the time I'm a pretty good-natured person - 'golden', as one dippy Psychology tutor described me. But I'm only human, and I need a place to vent, where I don't have to feel guilty for bringing people down or spoiling the chat.

Mind you, any real angst will be kept to the hardcopy journal - no point doing a Jerry Springer.

So, welcome. Welcome to my head.

Mad dogs and Englishmen...

There's a range of hills behind our house, well, you have to walk about ten minutes to get past the houses, but they're there, eventually. The local council has banned building above 200m, so these hills are fenced off paddocks, nothing but grass and rocks and trees and the occasional blackberry bush. A good place for a walk, and the view from the top (or near the top - I picked the wrong day and time to decide to slog my way up there) is pretty good. I made it about three-quarters of the way up, before I started getting the headache and nausea that is my warning signal for overheating, as far as this fairly large fig tree making a fairly good job of growing on the hot dry hillside. Figs are great climbing trees - like stepladders, almost - and so I compromised and climbed the tree rather than the rest of the hill. A nice cool green hidey-place.

It's getting harder and harder to find places that are unaffected by people. Even in my tree, hidden from view, I could hear the shrieks of children playing in the houses at least a couple of kilometres below, and the PA system of some kind of racing event. *sigh* I'd really like to go bushwalking up along the Alpine Track again this year - perhaps actually climb Mount Buggery this time, instead of passing it. At least we don't have the five hour drive from Melbourne to get there.

My new hiking boots did pretty well. They're still very stiff - not unexpected, since they're practically unworn! They're much more supporting than the old ones, and hopefully more waterproof. And they're so cute; next to BRM's they're positively dainty! *chuckles* I guess the pixie resemblence isn't entirely unfounded. :P *listens* Thunder? Looks like I got back just in time. It doens't bode well for that ride to Yackandandah later on, 'though.

Ugh, I'm dripping sweat. Time to go shower.

Musings.

Just finished the sequel to "Frank's Heater" - it's been sent to my Farli-Childe for a once-over. She's been a big help with this one; I didn't really like where it was going, and something she said in email gave me a big boost. :) It's been a while since I've written much Subreality fic, which is strange after the almost deluge everyone on the list copped last year. I suppose it's been harder, getting decent ideas - there's a big temptation to just rattle off something simple, something cliched, and let it go at that. But I'm finding I'm more reluctant to do that now. Maybe because of the award; I don't want to sound big-headed, but it has meant a lot to me, getting that recognition, if only from a small list like the #scml. Too bad we've been so slack on the awards show - I really should stir folks up with that, since Doqz seems to be too busy with other stuff.

At least I've resolved the Frank thing (*laughs* for a second I read that to be Frank Thring, the late Aussie actor), which is funny, because I have been swamped with ideas for stuff lately after that dry spell over the move. Art imitating life imitating fantasy. ;) Lots of stuff on my "To Do" list: it's my "To Write" list, really. At least I can knock one off, once Farli gets back to me and I can post it. Just as well, since there's that Shantytown idea buzzing around in my head at the moment, and that idea I mentioned to Trisha about Kielle's proposed "Survivor's Club". Only thing is, I don't want to be seen to be harping on about it.

Oh, funny tangent. I went to BRM's room today to ak him something, and caught him playing air guitar and dancing around to Electronic. Picture it, if you will; six-foot tall, burly bloke, dancing around the room like a sixteen year old. ;) I had to duck back against the wall to giggle. I haven't seen him this happy since... since our first years together, really. I don't know whether it's the medication, the fact he's taking charge of his life and doing something he considers worthwhile again, or the relief in not having to pretend to be something he doesn't feel to be true, but whatever it is, I'm glad to see it. It makes me glad to see him happy, because that's what we always wanted for each other. If it's not going to happen together, than I guess I'm going to have to accept it - I'd rather be apart and happy, then together and unhappy. Besides, it's like Nick Seymour was saying on that farewell video for Crowded House - "We've still got our dignity... we're ending this before we start hating each other". Roughly paraphrased, but that's the gist of it.