Thoughts on depression

[deathpixie]

This post, by a friend of [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]'s, almost perfectly encapsulates what it's like to be clinically depressed. I heartily recommend reading it.

This part, in particular, resonated for me:

Clinical depression is a hostile entity. It's you, but it's not-you. It's an imbalance in your body's basic mechanisms that affects your higher thought processes--the stuff that's not hormones and nerve impulses and biological imperatives. They're your thoughts, but something is thinking them for you.

It is, in simplest terms, a hostile entity in your mind that uses your own thoughts to kick the crap out of you. And when you're crumpled in a broken heap, it doesn't stop. It keeps right on kicking. Like [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] said, it's very disturbing having something inside your head that's not entirely you, thinking your thoughts for you.

Its goal is to make sure it's here to stay, and wreak as much havoc as possible in your life while it sticks around. And it will. On you, on the people around you. On your work, on your social life. It knows no pity, no mercy.

It'll use your doubts and fears, your pride, every negative quality you've got to knock you flat. It might even create some you didn't think you had.

Perhaps I'll dig up the work-related counselling service number today. February is always hard on me, and external factors haven't helped at all.

Comments

[fixeight.livejournal.com]

My dad has it, which is why I commented. I've never been able to understand it or relate to it. So the explination is really helpful.

I was actually reading something on men and suicide because while depression (they said) causes thoughts, there is a very unlikely chance that most go through with it.

Those who are suicidal often only hint about the idea, toying with it in their minds, how many different ways, like flirting with death and they seemed to stress that it was a separate entity on its own from depression. Having knowing someone who commited a very violent suicide (taking a shotgun and putting it in his mouth), we never saw him depressed. He was probably the happiest man out of all of us and the suicide came so suddenly, it threw everyone and brought up a lot of questions.

If we didn't see the suicide coming, was there even depression there to begin with? Or something deeper that was wrong?

[technophobia.livejournal.com]

Sometimes people who are deeply depressed will do their best to hide it from others.

[fixeight.livejournal.com]

But will they go to the extent of years to hid it or just weeks? you know? I don't think I've ever heard of anyone hiding it for years

[deathpixie]

It is possible. My Dad's post traumatic stress disorder went for 20 years without diagnosis, and a part of that was depression. Most of the folks who read this journal wouldn't have known I was suicidal without the comment I made to you. Sometimes people will only see what you let them, and if you have a reputation as a happy person, sometimes it's easier to wear that mask than to admit the truth and disappoint them.

[fixeight.livejournal.com]

I just want you to know that I don't think its a weakess to admit what is going on with you, but a strength. And this week or last couldn't have been good for you. If it was stressful for me, standing at the sidelines and watching injustices and accusations go on, it can't be good from where you are. I can always skip saturday (I may have to anyways) and crash on you on friday, and got o thegym. Also, you know you have a place here if you need to get out and get away, just to move and do something else. Having a baby around to distract you is wonders for the soul.

[frito-kal.livejournal.com]

"and disappoint them."

THIS. And when you've been told over and over what kind of disappointment you are, you don't want to make it worse. (at least, that's how it works for me)

[seraangel.livejournal.com]

This. Seriously this. So much easier sometimes to just go on then tell people how hard you're finding things.

[nute.livejournal.com]

*handraise*

[fixeight.livejournal.com]

huh. See, another thing I did know. I guess alot of people keep this to themselves.

[frito-kal.livejournal.com]

GOD yes. Years and years. In many families/communities, mental illness is considered shameful. I'm not sure my parents even believe I've got anxiety and that's after ten years of me being public about it.

[shaiyela.livejournal.com]

Two of my friends killed themselves a few years ago, and my dad was in the planning stages when he died of other causes (though I'm still positive it was partially his choice).

Planning a suicide may seem like a hasty decision, but we learned, in a suicide prevention/counselling group after my friends died, that it is not - people make the decision, plan the steps, and look for the perfect time to implement. The happiness comes when they're at peace with the idea of finally being dead.

Some people have hours, days, or weeks of happiness before they finally do it - this may be what you noted in your dad.

[fixeight.livejournal.com]

Just to clarify, it was a friend's dad that died, not my dad. My dad is depressed, which is something to be concerned about now that this post comes up, explaining it a little more. But thank you for the details there. I agree with the peace thing, that is what most of hte poeple I knew who knew him thought as well, that he was at peace with it. But in general, he was always a happy guy.

[shaiyela.livejournal.com]

Oh, sorry for the mix-up!

I've known a lot of depressed people who are quite happy in general too - the depression is a more private issue for them, or perhaps they have manic depression instead and are outgoing when manic, hermit when depressed.

It's a very strange disease. I hope YOUR dad's found ways to deal with it.