Thoughts on depression

[deathpixie]

This post, by a friend of [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]'s, almost perfectly encapsulates what it's like to be clinically depressed. I heartily recommend reading it.

This part, in particular, resonated for me:

Clinical depression is a hostile entity. It's you, but it's not-you. It's an imbalance in your body's basic mechanisms that affects your higher thought processes--the stuff that's not hormones and nerve impulses and biological imperatives. They're your thoughts, but something is thinking them for you.

It is, in simplest terms, a hostile entity in your mind that uses your own thoughts to kick the crap out of you. And when you're crumpled in a broken heap, it doesn't stop. It keeps right on kicking. Like [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com] said, it's very disturbing having something inside your head that's not entirely you, thinking your thoughts for you.

Its goal is to make sure it's here to stay, and wreak as much havoc as possible in your life while it sticks around. And it will. On you, on the people around you. On your work, on your social life. It knows no pity, no mercy.

It'll use your doubts and fears, your pride, every negative quality you've got to knock you flat. It might even create some you didn't think you had.

Perhaps I'll dig up the work-related counselling service number today. February is always hard on me, and external factors haven't helped at all.

Comments

[samy.livejournal.com]

I'm glad the pimp was useful for someone. :)

[deathpixie]

I'm glad you pimped - it was a really good article/post.

[frito-kal.livejournal.com]

It applies for anxiety too (since I have anxiety, but not depression). IT's EXACTLY like this, it's like someone takes you over and drives you around and you're sitting back going "WAIT, NO STOP" and they just don't listen. Only it's you doing the driving. It's very frustrating.

[mikaboo.livejournal.com]

*Hug* Counseling is always a good idea in my book. That's one of my top priorities when I get my paperwork.

That's similar to what how I describe being bipolar. For me it's like I'm sitting in the driver's seat of a really fast car and normally I have control of things like the steering wheel, brake, and gas... But there are many times when no matter how hard I punch the gas or turn the wheel. I'm only going to go a crawling speed. Other times, no matter how hard I hit the brakes or try to keep the wheel straight, I manage to go 170km and hit everything in my path.

[deathpixie]

My previous counselling wasn't very useful - in fact, it had the opposite effect. *wry* I've been a bit leery since.

And yeah, similar situation indeed - I like your anaolgy. I tend to call mine "Captain Paranoia" - it's the evil little voice that takes over and tells you you suck and nothing you do will ever be any good.

I really hate the Captain. :P

[mikaboo.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I can see why you'd be hesitant to go back. There are some "interesting" therapists out there.


Yeah, the Captain is not a good person sometimes. Mine tends to creep up at odd times.

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

You can always cancel the appointment, or go once and get confirmation you don't need to be there. <3 Sometimes, just making the step can lighten the world a little. I hope you start to feel better. I've really been in the hole, myself.

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

If you haven't had good luck with some counseling, would something like yoga (movement, centering, etc) be good for you? You seem like someone who needs to move. My therapist/social worker is my yoga teacher, too, and I swear that her yoga classes have been better therapy than most I've had in the past. I know she studies at a center in Toronto to further develop her teaching skills.

[deathpixie]

It's definitely a thought - that or tai chi, which got me through the worst of the immediate post-breakup issues. I just don't have a lot of money atm to put onto something like that and the work thing is free. Hopefully things will improve soon.

And you're definitely right about needing to move - the depression makes me into a lump, and I tend to hate myself more, so activity helps.

[winterknight.livejournal.com]

Activity is good for a lot of reasons. I hope the work contacts can put you in touch with someone useful. <3

[fixeight.livejournal.com]

Just to drop into this. you know I will always go to the gym with you if you need a coach. :)

[fixeight.livejournal.com]

It's a weird topic to breech but I think I get it better now from this explination than I ever have, because I've never understood it before, or been able to.

[deathpixie]

How is it a weird topic?

[fixeight.livejournal.com]

Because a lot of times, people who are on the outside don't understand it nearly as well as someone who is suffering from it. No matter how many books someone reads, its always hard to understand.

In my ignorance, I've always associated suicide with depression, that they go hand in hand. But I recently read that they arn't the same, that one doesn't cause the other and that they are separate things on their own.

That wasn't meant to offend. I said 'weird' off the cuff, for lack of anything better to say.

[deathpixie]

Because a lot of times, people who are on the outside don't understand it nearly as well as someone who is suffering from it. No matter how many books someone reads, its always hard to understand.

One of the reasons I linked to the post - I've found that while people try to understand, it's difficult to do so if they can't actually get a handle on the experience itself. A lot of the time, people equate depression with being sad, and thus it'll end in time - it's far more pervasive than that and as I found out, it doesn't go away by itself, or even with counselling. If anything, my counselling made things worse.

Suicidal ideation, where you get caught in a loop of thinking about suicide, is a symptom of depression. Having those thoughts doesn't automatically mean you're going to kill yourself, but it does increase the risk and if you don't do anything about it, that risk increases even more. It was this sort of thing that prompted my to go on medication - not a day went by in Feb-April last year where I didn't think in some form that being dead would be easier. When it got to actual planning, I knew I needed more help that I was already getting.

I know being this honest about my depression makes me vulnerable. I'm already having issues at work with my new manager, who doesn't seem to understand it and who uses guilt to try and make me 'pull myself together' (this, btw, is a really bad thing to do to me. I have an overblown guilt complex already). I am fully aware there are people out there who will just assume I'm attention-seeking, who will use admitted buttons to try and make me back down from something. I know this because it's happened. But I think it's important that I am honest about it, if only so people do understand what it is.

I'm not an invalid. I'm not weak, or broken. Considering the stressors that are in my life right now, I'm doing remarkably well, better than I have in a long time. And that alone is proof that I'm getting better, even without actual counselling atm.

[fixeight.livejournal.com]

My dad has it, which is why I commented. I've never been able to understand it or relate to it. So the explination is really helpful.

I was actually reading something on men and suicide because while depression (they said) causes thoughts, there is a very unlikely chance that most go through with it.

Those who are suicidal often only hint about the idea, toying with it in their minds, how many different ways, like flirting with death and they seemed to stress that it was a separate entity on its own from depression. Having knowing someone who commited a very violent suicide (taking a shotgun and putting it in his mouth), we never saw him depressed. He was probably the happiest man out of all of us and the suicide came so suddenly, it threw everyone and brought up a lot of questions.

If we didn't see the suicide coming, was there even depression there to begin with? Or something deeper that was wrong?

[technophobia.livejournal.com]

Sometimes people who are deeply depressed will do their best to hide it from others.

[fixeight.livejournal.com]

But will they go to the extent of years to hid it or just weeks? you know? I don't think I've ever heard of anyone hiding it for years

[deathpixie]

It is possible. My Dad's post traumatic stress disorder went for 20 years without diagnosis, and a part of that was depression. Most of the folks who read this journal wouldn't have known I was suicidal without the comment I made to you. Sometimes people will only see what you let them, and if you have a reputation as a happy person, sometimes it's easier to wear that mask than to admit the truth and disappoint them.

[fixeight.livejournal.com]

I just want you to know that I don't think its a weakess to admit what is going on with you, but a strength. And this week or last couldn't have been good for you. If it was stressful for me, standing at the sidelines and watching injustices and accusations go on, it can't be good from where you are. I can always skip saturday (I may have to anyways) and crash on you on friday, and got o thegym. Also, you know you have a place here if you need to get out and get away, just to move and do something else. Having a baby around to distract you is wonders for the soul.

[frito-kal.livejournal.com]

"and disappoint them."

THIS. And when you've been told over and over what kind of disappointment you are, you don't want to make it worse. (at least, that's how it works for me)

[seraangel.livejournal.com]

This. Seriously this. So much easier sometimes to just go on then tell people how hard you're finding things.

[nute.livejournal.com]

*handraise*

[fixeight.livejournal.com]

huh. See, another thing I did know. I guess alot of people keep this to themselves.

[frito-kal.livejournal.com]

GOD yes. Years and years. In many families/communities, mental illness is considered shameful. I'm not sure my parents even believe I've got anxiety and that's after ten years of me being public about it.

[shaiyela.livejournal.com]

Two of my friends killed themselves a few years ago, and my dad was in the planning stages when he died of other causes (though I'm still positive it was partially his choice).

Planning a suicide may seem like a hasty decision, but we learned, in a suicide prevention/counselling group after my friends died, that it is not - people make the decision, plan the steps, and look for the perfect time to implement. The happiness comes when they're at peace with the idea of finally being dead.

Some people have hours, days, or weeks of happiness before they finally do it - this may be what you noted in your dad.

[fixeight.livejournal.com]

Just to clarify, it was a friend's dad that died, not my dad. My dad is depressed, which is something to be concerned about now that this post comes up, explaining it a little more. But thank you for the details there. I agree with the peace thing, that is what most of hte poeple I knew who knew him thought as well, that he was at peace with it. But in general, he was always a happy guy.

[shaiyela.livejournal.com]

Oh, sorry for the mix-up!

I've known a lot of depressed people who are quite happy in general too - the depression is a more private issue for them, or perhaps they have manic depression instead and are outgoing when manic, hermit when depressed.

It's a very strange disease. I hope YOUR dad's found ways to deal with it.

[trishalynn.livejournal.com]

A friend of mine a few years ago already told me how he'd commit the perfect suicide if he had the inkling to do so. I hate that I know how to do it now.

And I also hate the voices. I call them "Mommy" and "Daddy."

[technophobia.livejournal.com]

I tend to call mine the "funhouse mirror". You know, when you go into the hallway and you see wildly distorted reflections of yourself? But I also know that my sense of "not good enough" also comes pretty strongly from my parents.

[frito-kal.livejournal.com]

Mine is my mom, over and over and over. (oddly, not my ex. I find this odd)

[technophobia.livejournal.com]

It was this sort of thing that prompted my to go on medication - not a day went by in Feb-April last year where I didn't think in some form that being dead would be easier. When it got to actual planning, I knew I needed more help that I was already getting.

I'm very glad that you got more help and hope that it was the help that you needed.

[deathpixie]

I'm not an invalid. I'm not weak, or broken. Considering the stressors that are in my life right now, I'm doing remarkably well, better than I have in a long time. And that alone is proof that I'm getting better, even without actual counselling atm.

I'd say so, yeah. ;)

[technophobia.livejournal.com]

Good. I'm glad. *hugs*

[seraangel.livejournal.com]

Glad to hear you say this, mate. You and I have talked about depression before, and sometimes it's very hard to know what to do or say to help. Especially when you're a doer, and doing nothing but listening often feels like you're not helping, and you care and you want to help.

Hardest thing to learn when dealing with someone with depression is that often it is listening that is the best move. That giving someone a safe ear to talk to can help more then anything else. I'm getting there. :)

But anyway, mostly this was just me wanting to comment and give you a little 'go you!' cheer that you are still talking about it, and giving us as your friends a chance to show you that being vulnerable doesn't mean you'll get hurt. *hugs*

[threnody.livejournal.com]

Honestly, the best representation I've seen that fits my mental image was Gollum from the Two Towers movie, where he's arguing with himself. That is my LIFE.

[shaiyela.livejournal.com]

It's a little different with manic depression, because you get the insanely happy highs too, but reading this helped me realize I am still not out of the depression I sank into after my dad died. There have been up moments, for sure, but if you were to put me on a map of a deep well, I'd say I'm still only halfway up. Feels like I haven't been at the top in years - which is true, I guess!