Writer's Block: I hate to bring this up ...

[deathpixie]

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You just described my relationship of twelve years.

I was constantly afraid to bring things up, not because he was violent or would verbally abuse me, but because he knew what to say to make me feel stupid or childish or selfish. Mentioning a habit of his that drove me crazy while we were living together would be met with a list of mine that made him crazy. Me objecting to something he said would be responded to with "well, I'm just trying to help you be a better person". His contempt was withering - I desperately wanted to be something in his eyes, live up to the potential he saw and I learned to hate myself when I failed.

Ten years after the relationship ended and I'm still single and going through medication and therapy for depression. I'm getting better - much better - and I'm learning that disagreement doesn't mean I'm a bad person. I'm learning my opinion matters just as much as anyone else's. Contempt still tends to shred me, but I'm working on that.

If something's important to you, say it. No matter what.

Comments

I hate to bring this up

[(Anonymous)]

Your partner was phsychologically abusive...he knew how to shut you down by changing the subject...spin doctors they are called...

When you feel good about yourself you will learn how to approach a topic without feeling you have to defend yourself.

Re: I hate to bring this up

[deathpixie]

Oh, I'm fully aware of that. :) Part of what I'm addressing is the fact I wound up in the situation and why it took so long to get out. As well as feeling good about myself - that's taking longer and my automatic response to most things is to be defensive, but I've got a good therapist and I'm actually seeing signs of change, which is good. One day, eh?

[red-birdsings.livejournal.com]

Thats really awesome that you are striving to change what someone molded you into. Best of luck to you, as long as you want it and believe in it, it will come to you.

[crazy-catlady.livejournal.com]

Right on! Hang in there. *Random stranger hugs*

[sekhet666.livejournal.com]

If something's important to you, say it. No matter what.

I like the strong affirmation you left at the end of this entry. It brings me courage! Thank-you for sharing.

[acetal.livejournal.com]

*snugs*

Has it really been 10 years?! My goodness, how time goes by.

[deathpixie]

Ten years next February, yep. Aren't we all old? ;)

[qodarkness.livejournal.com]

I just had my ipod throw a song by Jewel at me called Hands and it made me think of you and this. The chorus is:

My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken

I feel like you might finally be starting to trust yourself again and that you can trust your own hands, small as they are :)

I don't know why it made me think of you, and my explanation of why it did is terrible!, but it did.

A

[deathpixie]

You know, I think you're right - I am beginning to trust myself again. And it's a good feeling.

[trishalynn.livejournal.com]

*hugs from the therapy crew*