Writer's Block: Going the distance

[deathpixie]

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No, I wouldn't.

It might seem a bit weird, coming from me, considering I've moved across the globe to live in another country. But I didn't do it for someone I loved. I did it for me. I did it because I needed to make a change, because I wanted to try living in the place that had become a second home to me. I did it because I could.

Love should not be the only reason you uproot your life and move. Because love is, unfortunately, not always rock solid. Love doesn't always last. And unless you have the resources to take care of yourself in a strange place, you could wind up in a really bad way.

It's not selfish to take care of yourself, even in love. Make sure you've got something as a back up, in case something goes wrong, and be sure you're making the decision for you, not because someone else wants you to or you feel it's what you should do. If there's any doubt, talk it out with your loved one. Don't wait until you've done something irrevocable before discovering it's not what you want after all.

Comments

[deathpixie]

Sorry for the vehemence and blah - it's kind of a hot button topic for me (hence the use of the "personal demons" tag). I guess my real issue is that some of us aren't lucky enough to find that sort of love. It's awesome you guys have it, but my experience tends to be it's the exception, rather than the norm. I had my shot and wasted it on someone not worth it; I'm glad you guys didn't.

[marrog.livejournal.com]

I'm completely with you on making damn sure you and your partner are on the same page, but I would never have even thought of having a back-up plan, to the point where it would've felt like a betrayal to have one - same as I would never think to sign a pre-nup, or keep sums of expenditures. Basically, to me, feeling the need to have a back-up plan would be a sign not to do it at all. All or nothing.

And I'm saying that as someone who has had a 'this is forever' relationship that lasted four years before fizzling out. There was definitely a point at which I would've moved 5k miles with her, and I now know that such an act would've turned out to be a mistake. But in the long run, so what? Being with the wrong person can cause unfortunate problems. But in fairness, so can being with the right person sometimes. When you tie your life to someone else's, you tie your fortunes to theirs also - your career choices, your place of residence, whatever. That's part of the deal and part I wholeheartedly signed up for.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing to work your way (indeed see how I started my first comment - I think it's a valid outlook). I was presenting a counterpoint rather than trying to argue you round. You work from your experiences and I work from mine and that's what makes us who we are etc. Consistently throughout my life, things have gone best for me when I've ignored convention and practicality and gone with my gut - I have never been failed by my instincts, and going against them has nearly always caused me damage. But that's not something I recommend to others. (Unless I think they want me to.)

[deathpixie]

I'm not sure I understand - why is having a back-up plan a betrayal? Because you've got the slightest thought that things might not work out? Because that, to me, is practicality and pragmatism and being responsible, not only for yourself, but to the other person, who then doesn't have the burden of knowing they've screwed things up for you if the relationship doesn't work.

[marrog.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure we're going to get on the same page on this one, sorry. I think it's a question of outlook but also a question of tautology. If you feel that way, you'll do anything without thinking about the consequences. If you wouldn't do anything without thought of the consequences, you don't feel that way, because if you did, you'd do anything, etc etc. Everyone loves differently and everyone has a different amount of themselves to give, and gives it in a different way, and I am absolutely not suggesting for a moment that my way is the right way, or the way that works for everyone (or even most people). Like I said, just presenting a counterpoint.

[deathpixie]

Like I said, it's a hot button for me. I did everything 'right' - I trusted them, I was loyal to them and I understood a relationship needs work and was willing to do whatever was needed to make it work - and I got fucked over. The very qualities you're saying should be in a relationship are the ones that got used against me. I was left broken financially, emotionally and mentally. It was a hugely difficult experience for me, one I'm still recovering from, and so I'm possibly reacting a bit more defensively than I ought to what you're saying. I can understand your point, and like I said, it's awesome you have a relationship where you could take that chance. I thought I did and I'm still paying for it.

[trishalynn.livejournal.com]

I'm completely with you on making damn sure you and your partner are on the same page, but I would never have even thought of having a back-up plan, to the point where it would've felt like a betrayal to have one - same as I would never think to sign a pre-nup, or keep sums of expenditures. Basically, to me, feeling the need to have a back-up plan would be a sign not to do it at all. All or nothing.

I could be betraying a bit too much information here, but if my boyfriend and I ever get married, he's having me sign a pre-nup first, because (jokingly) that's the only condition under which his divorce lawyer said he'd "allow" him to get married again. And this isn't going to happen for a very long time because he's still gun-shy about the idea of getting married because his divorce was so fraught with complications, threats of restraining orders, and police reports.

That's perfectly okay with me, because I'm also currently having us pay for our individual pieces of furniture separately and jointly buying the pieces we both will be using for our new apartment because I was in a bit of a hole after my first relationship of six years busted up and left behind a credit card record that's still lingering 11 years (and his marriage to another woman) later. Because should we break up, I don't want to have known that I paid for stuff I'm not going to get to keep.

Scars run deep, but just because you have them doesn't mean you love any less deeply, or any less passionately.