Writer's Block: Going the distance

[deathpixie]

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No, I wouldn't.

It might seem a bit weird, coming from me, considering I've moved across the globe to live in another country. But I didn't do it for someone I loved. I did it for me. I did it because I needed to make a change, because I wanted to try living in the place that had become a second home to me. I did it because I could.

Love should not be the only reason you uproot your life and move. Because love is, unfortunately, not always rock solid. Love doesn't always last. And unless you have the resources to take care of yourself in a strange place, you could wind up in a really bad way.

It's not selfish to take care of yourself, even in love. Make sure you've got something as a back up, in case something goes wrong, and be sure you're making the decision for you, not because someone else wants you to or you feel it's what you should do. If there's any doubt, talk it out with your loved one. Don't wait until you've done something irrevocable before discovering it's not what you want after all.

Comments

[marrog.livejournal.com]

Love should not be the only reason you uproot your life and move. Because love is, unfortunately, not always rock solid. Love doesn't always last. And unless you have the resources to take care of yourself in a strange place, you could wind up in a really bad way.

That's a valid principle, but on the other hand, if the thing that would make you happiest would be to be with a person and they're that far away, what other choice do you have? Remain apart and be miserable? I agree that one should be resilient enough to take care of oneself but I'd have to disagree that, possessing that resilience, one shouldn't then jump in.

Erin left everything and moved over 5k miles for me. (And as an aside, I would have been willing to do the same and if US Federal law was a little less backward, we would probably both have moved back by now.)

Anecdotally, I'm quite sure I know people who moved thousands of miles for the one they loved and it didn't work out, but I can't think of any*. I know plenty who, like Erin, moved all that way and it worked out just fine, thank you. My social circle is positively packed with people who went through hell and Home Office, hemorrhaging money all the way, to stay in the same country.

Every one of those couples had a 'jump in' moment at some point. Every time, one of them chose to bite the bullet and commit to leaving everything they knew, often leaving friends and families thousands of miles away for love. Nothing will convince me that those couples didn't do the right thing, and they had no way of knowing at the time that it would definitely work out. You just have to trust that it's Forever, otherwise what's the point? I couldn't go through live with the person I loved with a calculator running in the back of my mind working out just how fucked I'd be if it fell apart. I could not do that.

In my book, Love is a pretty good reason to do just about anything.**

No, it's not selfish to take care of yourself. No, you shouldn't let another person pressure you into a decision. But if a you wouldn't move to be with the person you love - if your security, family, social life, house, pet, city is more important to you than they are, well, then you just don't love them that much - and that's okay, and it's just as well that you aren't moving. But uprooting everything and jumping in is love. That's the definition of love. An act like that isn't something you do to prove your love. It's something you do because of your love.

I agree that these things should be done for the right reason. I just think love (twu wuv) is the right reason.

(I feel like Christian in Moulin Rouge (a film I can't really be bothered with for the record but that's by the by) - "Love is like oxygen - all you need is Love!")

[deathpixie]

You missed the next part:

Make sure you've got something as a back up, in case something goes wrong, and be sure you're making the decision for you, not because someone else wants you to or you feel it's what you should do. If there's any doubt, talk it out with your loved one.

I'm not speaking from generalities here. I left my job, took on a transfer to another court that paid lower, and moved 300 km to a country town I swore I'd never live in again, because it was where my partner of 12 years was going to school. I was positive it was the right move.

We'd barely unpacked when he told me he just wanted to be roomies and friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend.

I was stuck there for eighteen months. I couldn't afford to move out, because my job was only part time. I couldn't get a transfer back to the city, because I'd pissed off my previous manager by taking the country transfer and I was effectively being punished for it. I was stuck living with someone who made my life miserable, because I'd decided love was all important.

Love is awesome, when you can trust it. You'd think, after 12 years with someone, you would be able to. Apparently not. So if you want to travel across the world or across the country or even to the next town to be with the person you love, make sure you have a back up plan. A return ticket, a place to go at short notice. Because you can never know what might happen and being stuck in an untenable situation is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

(Also, while I love watching Moulin Rouge, the whole "all you need is love" thing gives me the heebies.)

[deathpixie]

Sorry for the vehemence and blah - it's kind of a hot button topic for me (hence the use of the "personal demons" tag). I guess my real issue is that some of us aren't lucky enough to find that sort of love. It's awesome you guys have it, but my experience tends to be it's the exception, rather than the norm. I had my shot and wasted it on someone not worth it; I'm glad you guys didn't.

[marrog.livejournal.com]

I'm completely with you on making damn sure you and your partner are on the same page, but I would never have even thought of having a back-up plan, to the point where it would've felt like a betrayal to have one - same as I would never think to sign a pre-nup, or keep sums of expenditures. Basically, to me, feeling the need to have a back-up plan would be a sign not to do it at all. All or nothing.

And I'm saying that as someone who has had a 'this is forever' relationship that lasted four years before fizzling out. There was definitely a point at which I would've moved 5k miles with her, and I now know that such an act would've turned out to be a mistake. But in the long run, so what? Being with the wrong person can cause unfortunate problems. But in fairness, so can being with the right person sometimes. When you tie your life to someone else's, you tie your fortunes to theirs also - your career choices, your place of residence, whatever. That's part of the deal and part I wholeheartedly signed up for.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing to work your way (indeed see how I started my first comment - I think it's a valid outlook). I was presenting a counterpoint rather than trying to argue you round. You work from your experiences and I work from mine and that's what makes us who we are etc. Consistently throughout my life, things have gone best for me when I've ignored convention and practicality and gone with my gut - I have never been failed by my instincts, and going against them has nearly always caused me damage. But that's not something I recommend to others. (Unless I think they want me to.)

[deathpixie]

I'm not sure I understand - why is having a back-up plan a betrayal? Because you've got the slightest thought that things might not work out? Because that, to me, is practicality and pragmatism and being responsible, not only for yourself, but to the other person, who then doesn't have the burden of knowing they've screwed things up for you if the relationship doesn't work.

[marrog.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure we're going to get on the same page on this one, sorry. I think it's a question of outlook but also a question of tautology. If you feel that way, you'll do anything without thinking about the consequences. If you wouldn't do anything without thought of the consequences, you don't feel that way, because if you did, you'd do anything, etc etc. Everyone loves differently and everyone has a different amount of themselves to give, and gives it in a different way, and I am absolutely not suggesting for a moment that my way is the right way, or the way that works for everyone (or even most people). Like I said, just presenting a counterpoint.

[deathpixie]

Like I said, it's a hot button for me. I did everything 'right' - I trusted them, I was loyal to them and I understood a relationship needs work and was willing to do whatever was needed to make it work - and I got fucked over. The very qualities you're saying should be in a relationship are the ones that got used against me. I was left broken financially, emotionally and mentally. It was a hugely difficult experience for me, one I'm still recovering from, and so I'm possibly reacting a bit more defensively than I ought to what you're saying. I can understand your point, and like I said, it's awesome you have a relationship where you could take that chance. I thought I did and I'm still paying for it.

[trishalynn.livejournal.com]

I'm completely with you on making damn sure you and your partner are on the same page, but I would never have even thought of having a back-up plan, to the point where it would've felt like a betrayal to have one - same as I would never think to sign a pre-nup, or keep sums of expenditures. Basically, to me, feeling the need to have a back-up plan would be a sign not to do it at all. All or nothing.

I could be betraying a bit too much information here, but if my boyfriend and I ever get married, he's having me sign a pre-nup first, because (jokingly) that's the only condition under which his divorce lawyer said he'd "allow" him to get married again. And this isn't going to happen for a very long time because he's still gun-shy about the idea of getting married because his divorce was so fraught with complications, threats of restraining orders, and police reports.

That's perfectly okay with me, because I'm also currently having us pay for our individual pieces of furniture separately and jointly buying the pieces we both will be using for our new apartment because I was in a bit of a hole after my first relationship of six years busted up and left behind a credit card record that's still lingering 11 years (and his marriage to another woman) later. Because should we break up, I don't want to have known that I paid for stuff I'm not going to get to keep.

Scars run deep, but just because you have them doesn't mean you love any less deeply, or any less passionately.